Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Heart On My Sleeve.

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You  know that old saying about wearing your heart on your sleeve?

What the hell does that even mean?   Everyone knows you have a heart right?  Or they can guess.  A good rule of thumb is that if you are alive, you have a heart in there that works but even if you are dead you still have a heart ... unless you are dead and there is a big gaping hole in your chest.  The first place I would look would be on your sleeve ... it might be there.    

I actually remember going through this as a kid.  By about age 5 I was pretty well convinced that adults were really scary people who were not only ridiculously stupid but they were dangerous.  Who put them in charge anyway??

Monday, July 6, 2015

The Plan.

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The case of the startled woman.

Lately I have been easily startled.

It comes from a lifetime of raising children and dodging bullets.  I am in permanent "fight or flight" mode ... Which, when you are no longer able to make snap decisions. results in a sort of deer caught in the headlights stance with a deep primal scream and sometimes, slight  peeing of the pants.

The screaming hurts hubby's ears.

Friday, July 3, 2015

The Rules of Meat.

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According to my husband we need to follow a strict dietary regime.

He decided he was going to do steak for dinner, however we got bogged down in minutia when it was discovered we neither had potatoes or enough salad items left to make a salad.  I suggested that we might go ahead and just, for one night, have chips/french fries with the steak.


Ok I know that in the parallel universe my husband inhabits there is an order to all things that he somehow understands because I suspect, he created the "order."  I say this because I am not sure it makes sense to anyone but himself.  In his world one must have 87 varieties of vegetables with all your meals  AND the biggest amount of vegetables, which must be served at every meal, is carrots. 

I actually love vegetables, even carrots, but after years of 87 vegetables with every meal, including breakfast and any snack you might consider having, I hate carrots.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Choices of the Day.

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We have dead bunnies all over our yard.

Well ... technically ... parts of dead bunnies.

None of them were boiled so I am satisfied the hubby has not been having an affair with some psycho woman.  (yes yes, I know, he married one ... go sit down at the back of the room.)

Monday, June 29, 2015

Our Own Little World

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We went through the stage in school where it was cool to wear something that was your boy friends.  One girl had her boyfriend's school jacket, one wore his sweater.   Of course people wore rings and hats and things like that ... my brother settled on wearing  his girlfriends underwear but I am not sure she gave it to him or even knew he wore it.

My sister in law wore my brother's jeans when she was pregnant.  He was a skinny stick.  We all hated her.  She looked like she had a bit of a bloat at 8 months, I looked like a beached whale.   I wore a tent and was happy to get any colour other than canvas brown.  She went from a size 2 - to a 4 and I am not sure how she ever got over the humiliation.  

Sunday, June 28, 2015

The Merry-Go-Round.

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We are buying an off roading caravan/trailer/thingy.

I am quite excited about it, but this morning we had the discussion about where it will be parked in the yard.  The extra garage we built is not tall enough sp we have to look at at a parking pad with a cover.  Driving it onto the land from the street we have to be able to turn the thing around - added that we have fruit trees and flower beds to dodge AND the trailer has got dual wheels which makes it a bit more tricky to park.

I am saying all this like I know what the heck I am talking about, but I don't.  This is how I got through the classes I hated in school, I learned to parrot back what I was told and say it with conviction.  I pressed really hard with my pencil when I did the tests.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Final Frontier.

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We didn't have any big prizes for talent shows when I was growing up.  We didn't even get 5 seconds of fame. 

Basically your mother sold your soul to the devil and promised someone you would sing for the show and she announced it to you with reinforcements by way of your grandfather fingering his belt.  It went something like, "There is a talent show for the school/church/United Farmers Association of Combined Wheat Fields and I signed you up to play your guitar and sing.  I thought you could do a lovely job of "What a Friend We Have In Jesus."  And then I would think about whining and possibly swearing, but the belt would be ever present in my view and I would smile weakly and nod and start imaging things that could happen to me between now and then that would prevent the humiliation.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Wrapped Up In A Clam Shell.

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I have some grave concerns regarding timing and combining when it comes to the lessons of childhood.   Mixing fairy tales, body discovery, and the evening news, can actually be quite a lethal combination.    I know people often complain about the unrealistic expectations fairy tales dump on our children but mix them with news and body talk,  and it is like taking prescription medicine with alcohol.   Lethal and confusing.  Probably more for the adults than the children.   There are no warnings on the labels of fairy tale books to suggest this could be dangerous.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Lazy Hazy Days of Summer.

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One summer I told my brother the story of how budda's head was covered with snails.

We got one of my baby dolls and decided we would make a budda out of her.  Only we don't have a lot of snails in Alberta. 

The next best thing we had as a substitute was marbles.  

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Fashion Entry.

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I am not sure what the people who brought us jumpsuits were thinking.

Presumably they called them that because they resembled the suits that people wear when they jump out of planes.  One piece pant suits probably made sense to them because who wants a blouse or shirt coming untucked on the way down and flapping in your eyes?  Also there are less things to accidentally hook on to a plane that flies to close or maybe even a bird.  Not to mention UFO's.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Girl Who Ran Away From the Circus.

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There was a girl in our school who always walked on her tiptoes.

We were in Asperger's Syndrome Denial back then, not even have imagined our way into any of the childhood diseases that would later afford parents and teachers an excuse to medicate children in masse.  I am pretty sure my grandparents felt really cheated and they probably had images of me quietly asleep tucked out of the way in my bedroom, when they considered what they had missed out on.   

Monday, June 15, 2015

One Step Two Step

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Some woman at our dance class made a comment on my hubby's muscles and told him he needs to knock off his time in the gym as it makes it difficult to move the women about with ease.

Evidently moving women about with ease is the object of dancing.

Who knew.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Making The Grade.

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I learned in Sunday School that Joseph was one of the younger boys of his father Israel and he was the favourite.   Hence he was given a coat of many colours.  Evidently the others had plain brown ones.  You can always tell the favourite kids, they have the most colourful clothes.  People don't mean to dress their kids in drab colours but it just happens when you don't love fully and completely.

Hence all the pictures of me as a kid ... I am wearing black.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Aliens Are Coming


Last night I couldn't sleep.

I was pretty sure I could hear aliens landing and roaming through the grass on their way to come to our bedroom and get us and take us and do unspeakable scientific experiments.

I have no idea of what aliens landing and roaming through the grass on their way to come to our bedroom to get us and take us and do unspeakable scientific experiments sound like, but I am pretty sure I heard it.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Have You Ever Peed In The Ocean?


An article popped up on my internet because that is what the internet has become . . . like an annoying teacher that keeps recommending books for you to read and then finds them for you in the library and wants to discuss them later.  Oh wait, that was my aunt.  She just had that face that you see everywhere, on every annoying woman who knows what is best for you and wants you to appreciate her personal interest in you.  Sometimes she is a half a second older than you but therefore feels much wiser and able to help you, and sometimes she is so old you were born in different centuries.  How she finds a way to make writing on a stone and hunting meat the exact same as being a hippie, loving the world into oblivion, is beyond me. Mostly she is middle aged and your mother loves her and thinks she is an awesome mentor for you because you have gotten a bit out of hand.  That means that you no longer want to wear dresses that match your mother's so you can be an obvious mother daughter set for the town airing of the new summer dresses - otherwise known as - church.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Paper Dolls Have Feelings Too You Know.

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Loved paper dolls when I was a kid.  Spent hour painstakingly cutting them out, kept them all organized and flat in a box.  It was clearly preparation for life.

One day I would graduate fashion doll kindergarten and move on to Barbie elementary 101 which of course would take me eventually to Second Life Fashion.  All roads lead to Second Life.  I had no choice.  It was the plan for my life.

I had one girl friend, Gloria, who clearly was paper doll challenged and was forever breaking off the tabs which meant that their clothes would not stay on.  I am afraid I was not kind to Gloria.  I made her cry because I refused to let her touch the paper dolls.  I gave her a colouring book and a black crayon and locked her in the closet. 

She told on me when she gnawed her way out.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Sometimes I Am A World Renowned Diagnostic Nurse Person.


I made my husband show me his tongue.

I had my nurses uniform on and we were in a completely clinical environment.  I even had a stainless steel sink available if I needed it.  He was gowned and and on a gurney.

OK that is not exactly true, he was sitting at his desk.  He refused to take his clothes off.

"You have teeth marks on the sides of your tongue."

"What does that mean?"
"You have unabsorbed nutrients in your body."

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Ahhh Summer.

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Ahhh summer.  Lazing around, trying to look pretty in the heat ... waiting for the summer romance, realizing that unless some wagon train got stuck in a time warp in the mountains, just broke free, and are heading to the prairies, that there is not a chance in hell of any new blood showing up.  Looking at the available farm boys  . . . begging to be allowed to go and visit some distant relative that lives anywhere NOT on the prairies.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

A Whiter Shade of Pale

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Love white.

I think I started my love affair when people started telling me all the rules concerning it. 

You can't wear white past Labour Day.
Never wear white to a wedding unless you are the bride.
Don't wear white to a funeral.
For God's sake change her into play clothes before she ruins her Sunday dress.
You have to wear a slip or something under white, what would happen if it got wet?
Don't wear white if you are trying to look slimmer.

I like things other people pick on.  The heart wants what the heart wants.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

4 Eyes, Bug Eyes.

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I had to get glasses when I was in school.  I am not sure why.

I have a theory.  I think my grandparents wanted to make me look more intelligent than I really was.  People tend to overlook insanity when they think it is a by-product of intelligence.   They also frequently sent me to school with boxes of candy to share.  I think they hoped that I might be able to buy some friends.   Pfft forget that ... I ate all the candy myself.

OK I did share them with a boy named Leonard ... only because Leonard showed me this really cool hide out in an old garage down the road from my school and we would go there and hang out and arrange all the old files and tools that were left in there.   Look, don't judge me for my childhood.  It was the most fun ever and yes I am a bit OCD, why do you ask?  When you share that kind of bond with someone, you share your candy.