Monday, September 27, 2010
Of Lavender and the Real Truth Behind Little Red Riding Hood.
I had to write this letter to my kindergarten teacher yesterday ...
Dear Mrs. Beanermeister; (excuse me for presuming that you are still married but the belief is in keeping with the overall theme of my letter ... fairy tales....)
Hi. How Are You. I am fine. I spent my summer vacation swilling wine and running naked through open fields with the wild dingo .. I would tell you more but you taught me that "brevity is the soul of discretion" that one time when I was describing how we killed all the chickens that one summer and I had to help. How did I know all the rest of the kindergartners were going to talk about going to grandma's and petting fluffy cows? AND how was that fair? I lived with Grandma ..and the cows already ... big whoop. ANYWAY I am trying to be nice.
You know how I argued how ridiculous it was that Grandma in the Red Riding Hood story could ever have taken on the wolf or survived in his stomach etc etc ... and you made me go and sit in the corner? (oh and btw I still cannot see a corner coming without needing medication . thanks for the scars ...)Well I feel I need to apologize on that one.(the RRH story not the corner remark)
I now know that had lavender been involved, in any way, that any grandmother anywhere is capable of herculean effort to protect/obtain said lavendar. It is the "code of the lavender" and evidently as women age they become part of a secret society. Older women become obsessed with lavender. It is to them like blood to a vampire only more purple and not as runny ...
Yesterday I tried to move my mother-in-laws lavender to dust around it and well .... it took the paramedics 3 hours to pry her off me and another 8 hours in the emergency room to remove her false teeth from my arm.
I am a believer... providing you see to it that you ammend the story to read "Little Red was picking lavender for her grandmother through the forest as she skipped" and establish in some way that it was a reasonable expectation for the grandmother to know this and to be anticipating the arrival of said lavender. " In this instance, the grandmother would have had both the strength to fight and the will to survive without breathing in a stomach (provided she was swallowed whole) until the axed dude cut her out.
However, I am not giving in on the ability of a lumberjack to surgically effect a "grandma-ectomy" with his huge hands and tree cutting ax ... so officially .. I still think you are a sorry excuse for a kindergarten teacher and really hated those handprint things you made us do .. but I can admit when I am wrong. Add the lavender to the story and you have an apology.
Love and kisses
SKIN: Dutch Touch
JEWELS: CDC - no longer available