Thursday, September 9, 2010

One Size Fits All.


I love those things, you know when you pick up a barbie size pair of tights and hold them up to you and nod in complete acceptance that THESE PUPPIES are going to fit you? And so you roll them up and stick your toe in them and begin the pushing and pulling .....


And you lay down, and you hop, and you get them over the knees and would love to do the dance of joy but that dance is not choreographed for face plants and so you read the labelling on the box the tights came in, trying to catch your breath for the next heat in the tight olympic triathalon, and see they added "lycra" to beautifully shape and smooth you and you "bless" those darn designers of tights ... and continue .. (who knew lycra could be so damn painful??)

Grunting .. groaning...moaning ....jumping, twisting, turning ... and then you get them up to your hips ... you can't breathe at this point and you feel like you are being sawed in half but you kinda roll them up the rest of the way and pull and pull and pray the crotch might eventually be lifted up just a tad above your knees so you don't duck waddle when you strut ....

And you pray that you can pull them right up under your breasts so that the skin and bone it has now squished into a huge muffin top enhances and looks like "fullness" instead of an extra set of udders and you are now officially prepared to mother a litter ....

And you can't sit down ... cause if you do, they roll right down to your thighs again and you look like you are sporting an flotation device under your dress and believe me, none of your "imagined rolls" you were trying to hide with the "extra scientific lycra support" were ever remotely that big ....


But we do it for fashion and hubbys and boyfriends everywhere should appreciate it and not be like mine ....

... and hang that sign "sausage" over my neck ....

SKIN: Cupcake
HAIR: ETD (closed)
DRESS: Ema's Secret
SHOES: Maitreya
LOCATION: Sonatta Morales
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