Friday, December 3, 2010

Lingere - The Leading Cause of Death.

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Lingere is actually evil. It is deadly, and the fact that it is seductive and ribbony and lacy should make it clear that someone behind the concept has put a lot of thought into how to seduce unsuspecting women into the store, only to club them over the head, throw them in the trunk and then dump their bodies down a steep ravine.

I know for a fact that the leading cause of death amongst women is spandex. That's right, more women are killed or maimed putting on spandex than lumberjills in the wilds of Canada are killed by powersaws, bears or wives back home combined. I know … it is a staggering number …. Please take a moment .. Get one of your coworkers to sit with you while you sip coffee slowly and read the rest of this.

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I want you to consider the woman, stuck in her spandex laying on a fitting room floor gasping for breath …. That spandex piece ... promising firmness, beauty, seduction …. all aimed to make you forget the laws of physics that no matter how stretchy something the size of an envelope is ….it is not going to cover the entire mail truck and neatly tuck in the mudflaps, bumpers and mirrors.

As she tries to put it on she manages to move her mouth to her ear twisting and turning….she jumps and sits … sometimes both at the same time … and she holds her breath … and she tugs and manages to get it around her chest and one boob. Gasping for breath, red faced, she now realizes she cannot breathe. She considers her options.

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She could cry for help and have the size 2 sales clerk scream when she pulls back the curtain and observes a shar-peiian woman on the floor spilling her "wrinkles onto the floor .. Cute on a puppy, not quite the same effect on a middle aged woman who now has a contorted red face and is blubbering all over the carpet. OR she could run out into the store naked and find her husband whose sensitivity in moments like this is renowned. And so she does what women always do .. suffers in silence (I mean if you overlook the grunting) ... and she begins to pull it in the opposite direction .. desperate to get it off.

She jumps and sits … sometimes both at the same time … and she holds her breath … and she tugs and manages to get her chest and one boob pulled back up beside her mouth and ear…. all on her face. She forces her one arm in and now .. her mouth, ear, boob, AND arm are all turning purple and are eerily squished to one side above a band of perfectly blended to skin tone (a fact which really comforts at times like these) elastic spandex known better by realists as  "garrotdex."

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She fumbles for her purse, kicking at it until the phone comes out and opens on the floor. She falls down beside it gasping in pain, manages to use her loose boob to hit the emergency speed dial, and begins her 911 call.

"HEP ME HEP ME. I fall'n an' can' ge up. I dyin. Can' breat'"
'Sorry ma'am? Are you ill?"
"NO can' breat'"
"Okay is there someone there you can have help you?"
"NO"
"Okay do exactly as I say.  Lay Down.  Remove all tight restrictive clothing and calm down …."

And then she dies waiting for the paramedics and it is really sad. Of course it has to be a closed coffin …

The few women who manage to escape with their lives face years of ridicule and misunderstandings. You know how people are when you come out of the dressing room all red faced and sweaty, hair standing on end, breathing really hard, people having heard all this jumping and moaning …

You think about that next time you read the wall in the bathroom and it says "Janey is a slut." (unless of course you are Janey and you wrote it and are proud of the fact)

It is very sad that this kind of death is probably the most misdiagnosed and misunderstood for women.  It is the silent killer that no-one talks about.  The families are left to keep a dark secret of shame.  And it is a legacy ... with all those people doing their geneology and people saying .. "my great grandmother died travelling across the prairies alone with 37 children in a handcart" .. you can't just stand up and say, "my great grandmother died naked in a dressing room of girdle strangulation."  You just can't.  (handing you a tissue)

It helps to talk about this.  You know if we could only admit that we have bumpers and just embrace them …. 

Please pass this on to all the women you know and love .. share it with them .. warn them of the dangers of girdle shopping alone. If you do, something great will happen ... in the next 10 years - I promise .. .and if you don't pass it on to 27 friends right away then I am not likely to get any advertising and I was hoping to be able to afford to go get a new girdle ... I heard they have new spandex that is non lethal ...

More pics here
Seldom Blue  (These outfits coming soon!!  What a Christmas Gift :)!!)
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