Friday, December 24, 2010
When Santa Brings You a Wedding Dress.
Ya so I had an aunt who never married and refused to believe that it had anything to do with her 23 cats, her unwillingness to shave under her arm pits, the fact the bath tub was a holy shrine, to be worshipped and never used by mere commoners, or that a door knob could probably win Miss Congeniality against her in a two horse race for Miss Prairie.
One year we opened gifts and amidst her stockpile of kitty toys, kitty plates, kitty figurines (WHAT?? What do you think we should have given her? Bubble bath was wasted ...) ... she pulls out a big box to her from Santa ... wrapped in kitty paper from the big ceramic lawn cat Uncle David gave her last year ....
She beams, makes us all watch .. opens it and it was a "wedding dress." She announces ... "OMG Santa is telling me it is time ...." and she got dressed in it .. veil, armpit hair and all ... and if you think armpit hair is nasty catching glimpses when her sleeves are a bit loose and you are angled just right - hanging over the top of a lovely strapless beaded gown can actually cause permanent and lasting trauma.
I am serious ... the whole day ... buffet bowling with bridal gown .. she took out two of the kids and the christmas pudding ...
My Uncle John tried to reason with her ... he quietly took her aside and said "for the LOVE OF GOD Marian TAKE OFF THE DAMN DRESS YOU JUST TOOK OUT GRANDMA WITH HER WALKER.!!" Nope, she would have none of it ...Santa (aka one of her personalities) had spoken ... and so she wore the wedding dress .... for the rest of her life. We buried her in it ... and probably 3 or 4 cats that got lost up there somewhere ...and she spent the rest of her days believing her marriage was imminent, wandering the prairie wheat fields in the middle of the night through all the seasons except spring when she would go to the states for the cat fair. Yup even in the fall she would just dodge the combines and search through the neat rows as if "he" might be hidden there ... (he wasn't but she did find a couple bottle of beer, a dead gopher and one of her mittens she lost that winter)
I know this is a poignantly sweet story and some of you are crying but I would just like to point out that this story actually contains an important community service message .... cats makes you insane. Oh and it is time you grew up and realized Santa is a liar and a drunk and likes to play cruel jokes on people.
I really like it when stories have good messages that we can all learn and grow from .. they help us form meaningful lives ... like mine .... I am alive ...wheeeeee...
JEWELLERY: G. Sloane