Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I have always loved dimples .... I always wanted "cave in's" on my cheekies that were not the result of being punched by my brother...ALTHOUGH ... I figured he could have some extra ones that WERE the result of being punched by ME.
He didn't think that was fair but I pointed out that you never see a movie where the scientist goes down with his lab .. the scientist is always saved first because everyone knows without their valuable contribution ... no-one else is going to have a life worth living.
I explained he needed to embrace that .. to own it and understand the quality of his life depended on him understanding I was the scientist ..... and then I told him to get back on his exercise wheel in his cage ....I needed to inject a few things ....
Monday, November 29, 2010
I have a great idea and it saves children, it is healthy and it would make everyone laugh.
Parents should be required to go and take Tai Chi ... and use it when disciplining their children ... so ....
that way, the kid has a chance to run and get a pillow to hold over thier butt before the downswing is finished ...
voila .. a myriad of social issues solved and everyone is calm ....
and some of us will be snorking ....
and that's a good thing too.
OUTFIT: ALB Dream
SHOES: Before Sleep
Saturday, November 27, 2010
When I was 5 I decided I needed to get off my butt and get active in important issues so while other people were hugging trees and walking naked pretending to be worried about animals being used for fur I looked around and picked chickens! I say pretend because many a nudist camps opened their gates and said .. "go run free, run wild .. if you get stopped just hold up this sign - I'd rather be naked than wear fur - say you know Naomi Campbell personally and PETA PETA PETA all over the place" these people did not care one schmick about animals they just wanted to let it all hang out .. and over ..and all about in some cases.
I felt sorry for the chickens and when I spoke to them about wanting to take on their plight they thought it was absolutely ducky.
So I studied the most effective ways of demonstrating and decided I would march into chicken hell, get everyones attention with some nice song and dance and then lay it on them ....
I picked "Goodbye Earl" cause it was sung by The Dixie CHICKS and someone gets killed in it and it is a good dance number in case the crowd wanted to start line dancing and I figured any song with a banjo in it is bound to disarm people ... lull them into a false sense of good will ...
So I put on my tutu, my tap shoes, my bolero with chicken feathers (donated not plucked), taped empty walnut shells to my fingers to use as castanets and took my little stereo into the midst of the crowd and started the music and danced until I was sure everyone was paying attention. Then I stopped the music and cleared my throat and demanded...
"CONSIDER THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR CHICKEN ... how would you like to be in their shoes? (someone yelled out .. "they don't wear shoes" but I was undeterred and a little dizzy from all that dancing) I said, "I dream of a world where one day Chickens will be able to come out from under the shadow of discrimination. I ask you , when have you ever actually seen a hen peck a husband. Let the man or woman who has actually seen that with your own eyes come forward NOW!" ...... (no-one moved .. they were rivetted .. I had made a very valuable point ...)
I continued, "I dream of a day where Chickens will be allowed to cross the road freely without having their motives questioned and scrutinized. Do any of YOU ever have to justify why YOU cross the road?"
I had a bunch more to say but evidently one of the people complained that while I was dancing I had flamico'd in his mashed potatoes and Kentucky Fried Chicken has a "no feet in the potato policy" that they strictly enforce. I learned that day the importance of positive demonstrating as opposed to negative and I never used the Dixie Chicks again .. instead I started a Chicken celebration night that is now used all over the world right before we sacrifice the bride ... it is called "Hens Night."
SKIN: Glam Affair
OUTFIT: Ranena Olivier Couture
SHOES: Ranena Olivier Couture
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I flunked Philosophy in Grade 2 ... I found the conflicting messages of the establishment to be just too .. conflicting ...
I mean one teacher tells you one thing and then another tells you another and gee it would have been helpful if they had told us that each class was an entity unto itself and had absolutely no correlation or connection to the other .. like ...the contradictions and lies are important to keep straight - here is your pencil, your crayons and an extra notebook to make note of them all ...
I got called into my Grade 2 teachers office ...
"Blissy I am so disapppointed with you. What were you thinking?"
"In reference to?"
"Question 3 .. what is the meaning of life? You said "the Hokey Pokey."
Now this is where her two eyebrows became one and she made this kind of hood out of her forehead and her eyes got all squinty and she looked at me and I swear I thought she was going to swoop down and grab me with her claws and eat me like a hawk eats a mouse, but then I thought nahhhhh her bottom lip alone would be impossible to lift off the floor and those double chins ... killlers ...
She hissed at me .... "The HOKEY POKEY??????"
I nodded ..
"That's what it's all about."
(I have obviously since matured and now know that my music teacher is a psychopathic liar .. but sometimes .. when I am really in touch with that child me I like to lay awake at night and wonder ... what IF that really is what it's all about???)
SKIN: Glam Affair
EARRINGS: Dark Mouse
OUTFIT: Donna Flora
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
So one year the Aardvark decided it was time my brother and I saw Alaska ..
He piled us all in the car and drove like a maniac and we got there and he drove to the middle of more nowhere than we already were and said .. "This is muskeg ... Behold the Muskeg" He said it like he expected heavenly choirs to punctuate his observance with some dynamic AMEN but there was just the sound of flies .. not nearly the same thing .. well depends on the choir I guess ....
He was big on sharing the outdoors and having us experience it. Like, "here ..eat this bark!" and, "you gotta try the grass," ... or, "lick this rock ... it has nutrients!"
So he opened our doors and said .. "If you stand in it you will sink up to your knees .. or even further. It is very cushiony and soft. Here, go try it..." and he pushed us towards it.
My brother insisted I go first .. he and grandpa and grandma watching ... I waded in and began to sink .. I looked down ... then ....
...looked up .... just in time to see all 3 of them racing to the car. I heard all 3 car doors slam shut and they roared out of sight in a cloud of dust and left me with the choir of flies .. sinking ....
(I lived with the moose eating bark and grass for almost a summer before Sarah Palin's family found me and handed me in at the police station. They thought there was a reward ... cause I lied and said I was Anastasia and my daddy was the Czar of Russia. There are a lot of bodies buried in Alaska ...I think that is where all the missing children have been left... go north and look for the moose ...)
SKIN: Fhang Candy
DRESS: Clio -pret a porter
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I was a camp counselor one year ... what the heck were they thinking .. but anyway ya .. they put me in charge of a bunch of kids and I thought it would be swell, rather than dealing with every night someone whimpering and crying over ghost stories and me having to walk them in and out of the huge tent all the girls slept in ... to the outhouse .. we would get them all to hold it for one big scared senseless horrorama fest. (hold the ghost stories .. NOT the need to go to the bathroom ...)
Ya there was no way I was going out there in the middle of the night with a flashlight and standing guard .. I was still scared from my time at camp ...
I never understood that. We were just little kids begging our counselors to go with us. "I am scared there might be a bear or a murderer in the woods and I have to pee .. can you come with me?"
"No you will be fine take your flashlight .. "
Right ... cause when the murderer comes for me I just shine the flash light in his face and he will go, "NO NO Not light ...." and he will put his knife away and slink back into the forest .....
"Should I least get super duper batteries .. these were no name brand .. I don't think murderers feel that threatened by no name brand light ..."
Anyway that was my plan for my time as a counselor .. save myself from being mauled by a bear or murdered .. don't allow them an opportunity to be scared every night .. contain the weenie pants. So we had a big night, campfire, ghost stories, scary stuff. We all dressed .. I played the idiot woman escaped from the insane asylum... my brother suggested it .. and we had this cool trick to touch a torch to a wire and the fire appeared to just explode in the fire pit. We all walked in to the circle from the woods, in the dark and POOF fire and the evening began ...
We told stories, we had a spook house .. we had kids screaming and calling for their mommies and those were just the football players ... it was kind of about that time we realized we may have taken it a tad too far ... the hysteria was building ...
So we separated girls and boys and took them to their tents and got them all calmed down .. silence .. and then there was this huge wind which just whooshed through lifting all the sides of the tents up and WHAM BAM CRACK sheet lighning, thunder, sheet lightning .. storm .. screaming, running bodies, feet on face as I was trampled trying to get out of the tent.... "Best Camp Counselor Ever" award ... lost forever ...
I think a couple of them are still lost in the woods in the mountains of Canada somewhere .. we were never sure how many we had to start with ... but their parents were not pleased, neither was the camp director and oh .. I was fired ...
Amazingly my brother did try to comfort me .. he said my portrayal of idiot girl was stellar ....
Monday, November 22, 2010
I never understood what the big deal was with my grandmother .. she bought me a dress like this once .. for the annual Easter Church Parade .. you know ...
That's the excuse for everyone to buy a new spring coloured outfit .. dress the kids in ridiculous clothes to celebrate the rites of spring which when you think about it is about as innapropriate for Church as it gets ... but evidently "swaddling clothes" means lace and taffeta so you plop a lacy hat on a little girls head with an elastic band under the chin so tight it probably impacts the glands forever .. dwarfing them, stunting them .. something .. especially when your brother snaps it during prayer which results in backhands from the grandfather which defintely stunts your leg or teeth depending on where it lands ...
So evidently somewhere in the Bible it must talk about lace and yellow and patent leather shoes although none of the pictures of the little children gathered show that. Parents know that group of kids were just off to the side of the painting ready to come in next, and the artist ran out of canvas and paint. References to this clothing code have to be found in the bible somewhere .. probably right in the midst of all the begatting cause I fall asleep when I get to those ....
But as all good fashion pictures show .. you put on a lacy pretty dress and you head for a field, or a water fall etc take off your shoes, purse your lips and the wind blows through your hair .... but evidently there are no fashion pics in the Bible either cause when I went horseback riding through the creeks and dirtied and crinkled my satin, lace and fluffy socks ...and said "I felt the call of fashion .. want to see the pics?" the grandparents did not see the connection. I got the "come to Jesus" discussion with the grandfather and the belt again .... and a lecture on the importance of being "pretty" and "acting like a lady," both important tenents of what it means to be a Christian.
See that is why I am so confused .... we need another set of commandments of lace and toille and fluffy socks ... where are the Moses's of this world when you need them ...
SKIN: TIK TOK
HAIR: Analog Dog
Friday, November 19, 2010
I have found a realllly effective way of dealing with teens. First remove all weapons that they can use on you .. knives, guns, staplers, old shoes, rolled up newspapers.
Now next time your teen starts to mouth you off .. you and your hubby cue the music, rip off your velcro outfits and stand their resplendent in sequins ... he in a thong, budgie smugglers and bare chested, waxed and a nipple ring, and you in sparkle hose, high heels, a high cut on the thigh, low cut on the breasts (NO BRA) shimmering, fringed, spandex number. You immediately go into your routine containing high leg kicks (well as high as your leg goes anyway) grabbing your crotch, girating your hips both individually and towards one another ... passion people .. ,.this is it .. this is HAMMER TIME!!!! You look at your teen straight in the eyes and start the syncronized routine ....
STOP IN THE NAME OF LOOOOOOOOOOVE .... BEFORE YOU GO TO FAR .... THINK IT OVV OVVV ER .......
(It really really works .. trust me .. you can practice at the office .. get one of your employees to play the crabby teen and another to help with the music .. this is pure awesomesauce ... teens actually stop and stand there with their mouths open which gives you time to call the police, pack their belongings, or lock the doors .. depending on your desired outcome. For really special impact .. do it in the mall or at church next sunday .... I swear .. problem teen becomes compliant, well behaved, shell shocked teen)
HAIR: Paper Couture
TOP: Dawn Carpool
PANTS: Spirit Store
EARRINGS: G Sloane Couture
POSES: Sunflower Poses
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Don't you love it when you feel like a Rock Star? You have one of those days when everything goes right and it is magic ... well you know you don't have to wait for those days .. be in charge of your own life .. seize the moment .. make it happen.
All you need is some music ... crank it.... Slip into the boss's washroom (living dangerously is part of the rocker lifestyle man) and smoke a quick joint and slip into some spandex. (just make sure you do the spandex first THEN the joint cause sometimes after the joint you forget the spandex and nudity is another fantasy for another day and does not always translate well to the office).
Walk through the office frequently kneeling on one knee and holding your hands out in the air announcing "Superstarrrrrrr" and then hiss into your hands loudly so it sounds like a crows roaring .. go ahead try it now .. cool huh? I bet everyone is looking at you now right? Refuse to sign autographs.
Find bird, bite head, spit out ...
Get back to your desk and stand on it, swivel hips and holding the stapler, lip sync along to the song .. unless it is something by Anne Murray - then you should sit down and wait it out. (Although Anne Murray is a rock legend in Canada .. it is a cultural thing and other people may not get her vibe).
more pics here.
Have your co workers gather round and throw underwear at you and make a mosh pit. Have them mosh ... exuberantly. MOSH MOSH MOSH. SEEEEE!!!
I have my hubby doing that for me right now .... except I asked him to put his underwear back on .. only cause I can hear the sirens and I know the neighbours called the police again and the last time the police showed up and we answered the door naked ... it didn't go so well ...
(yes this was how I learned the lesson to put spandex on first and smoke joint second ...)
OUTFIT: G Sloane Couture
SHOES: Baby Monkey
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
You know how some mornings you get up and you realize it is just going to be one of those days? Today was one ... of those .. um ... days.
Ya ya it was sunny but you just knew there was a chance of homicide late afternoon ... and I would probably be the one doing the homicide. First I was stupid enough to go to the next level with my qi gong and who knew there were so many muscles in your feet that could all hurt at the same time .... Then you are out of coffee, the milk has gone sour, there is another email from your stalker, the kids are fighting and hubby casually mentions he should go "fetch"the snake he just chased up the tree while he is doing the breakfast dishes. (his not mine ... I was out of MY coffee and milk hence there were no dishes .. surprise .. his breakfast was intact ...)
Why do men always have to "share" what they are doing? No-one really wants to watch you pick a pimple, figure out how the new vcr works, shake your special package, watch you golf on Wii, or see you get the snake out of the tree. (the last one may need repeating several times in fact get a tattoo on your forehead with the message so that you are reminded next time you pick a pimple)
Now I don't know if the snake is out of the tree .. why are snakes in trees anyway??? The Bible clearly says they are condemned to crawl around on the earth on their belly .. hint earth .. ground .. trees .. not ground. Good Lord I just got over worrying about the damn spiders and their webs big enough to take a cow down and now I have to worry about snakes dropping on my head ...
I prefer life with my delusions ... seriously ... the non-snake ones ...
SKIN: Dream Ink
SHOES: Baby Monkey
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tons of permeations and options .. this is not just a fat pack .. it is like a super duper mega fat pack. Plus there are many other layers for more freckles, beauty spots and blush.
Tribal Soul Designs
Monday, November 15, 2010
I met Arnold in Vancouver. It was an impromptu meeting he arranged in the streets once with me. He likes to call it "a breach of the restraining order" only because I think he is a little embarrassed about being star struck over me so I allow him his little faux pas regarding the description of how he met which I am sure he will clear up in his memoirs.
He was clearly driving the streets looks for me desperately because armed escorts of motorcycle cops blocked the street for miles .. I thought at first they had moved the Calgary Stampede and the parade was about to start but no we stood and waited .... not knowing ... And by the way how do you get to be an armed motorcycle cop becasue technically you have to take one hand off the bike to shoot and then like wouldn't it suck if you managed to subdue the bad guy but then you died cause you crashed your motorcycle? And isn't that politically incorrect ... I don't go around saying .. hey I am an armed shopper .. cause I have two arms and you have none ... I just think the police departments need to be more sensitive about things like that.
Oh yah Arnie ... so the crowd started whispering it was Arnold Schwarzenhamandegger he was in town for a meeting and everyone was ooh and ahhing and saying "I'll be back." I thought meh .. and stood back because hey ... I like men that at least come to my forehead in height. BUT I'll be darned if the police officer obviously recognizing me, didn't yell out to me .. "hey Bliss ... come right up here to the front of the line you beautiful fashionista you .. Arnie has been looking for you for hours ...it would make his day if he could just say he actually saw you ..." My hubby tired to say that is NOT what the officer said at all and I was like "Ok so maybe it was more like "...it would rock his world if he could say he actually saw you ..."
"Nope .. it iwas more like ... 'Lady, get the hell back before I shoot you.' "
I moved to the front of the line and just then the big black limo swooshed past, the crowd was hit with a spray of "water" that smelled like .. nevermind ... I am sure the homeless people there are provided with bathrooms and would never use the gutters. And I could see Arnie grinning at me, (you cannot mistake those teeth) blowing kisses and holding up a sign saying .. Bliss I LOVE you .. I read EVERYTHING you write .. MARRY me ....(he has three hands I swear .. you can't be exposed to all that radiation in all those nuclear futuristic films and not grow an extra limb you know)
I stood there dripping ... sadly shaking my head .. I couldn't do that to Maria ... besides .. he isn't even an A list movie star anymore .. he is just a politician now .. it is sad when talented people sink so low ...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
You know there was a time when vehicles were the main option for "romantic" endings. You could park somewhere and have a private time before heading home. In fact this very vehicle might have been the auspicious start to someone's life ... ever think about where you were conceived? (caution don't go here if you are still pretending that your parents do not have sex)
Vehicles were a big part of our culture at one time. We used to all pile in and go to drive-ins. You paid by the car load ... so of course the object was to hide as many people in the trunk as possible when you drove into the theatre ... (well someone had to hold the beer to make sure the bottles didn't clink when you drove through) but of course that was back in the day of innocence where you were allowed to lie and sneak things in and out as a sort of a right of passage.
Like everyone counted as you parked and opened the trunk and people piled out .. and once you passed 15 .. you had the respect of everyone else at the drive-in....and no security came around and asked dumb questions like ... "ok there is room for 6 in your car .. why are there 32 people sitting all over the car inside and out?" Everyone just assumed you had friends and somewhere in the massive car park with a screen in front of it ... there were empty cars. I mean if you could not see in the fogged windows .. technically there could just be a heavy breathing dog in there right?
And lots of important life stuff got settled in those environments ... like that your brothers friend thought you were hot and as soon as your brother left for uni he would so date you. Or that hot dogs were made up of disgusting things not worth mentioning ... which your brother felt important to share with you when he had no money left, was starving, and you just bought yourself a hotdog. And that girls found your brother attractive and although no explanation was ever given for that one .. it was one of those oddities of life that are never answered. Just strange.
Nowadays you just pull out your phone, watch a movie while you make out in your massive bedroom with the locked door, razor wire barrier. There is no thrill, no creativity awards, no danger of getting caught, no surprises .... you wikipedia anything you don't know ...
Oh and there aren't any ginormous dill pickles on a stick anymore either ....
Life went to hell when they stopped making those ...
More pics here.
HAIR: Sparkle Skye Designs
JEWELLERY: Dark Mouse
SHOES: Donna Flora
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Hubby said, "Lets go away for a few days together just you and me."
"We are already together 24/7 how much more time do we need?"
"I know but lets go away somewhere … "
"You think we will be better in confined spaces? It might actually get ugly ... I don't like you in the car nearly as much as I do when there are escape routes between us. I kind of need that buffer zone between us .. for your own protection of course ..."
"Be serious .. It is your birthday let me surprise you."
"This isn't going to be like the last birthday surprise where I ended up with a great new golf bag for the golf clubs I don't own but that just happened to fit your set perfectly, is it?"
"Ok then surprise me."
So we only have a couple of days and he is stealing me away and I love it when he does that.
I hope it doesn't blow my cover to say I adore this man, he is simply the best. Not sure if you are supposed to still be in love after all this time and get butterflies when he touches you and stop and stare when he takes his shirt off but I do. What can I say? I like muscles ...
I try to take my shirt off sometimes too ,.. Just to see what kind of reaction I will get. It is usually something about what the neighbours are thinking, the law and public nudity etc. (that's AFTER the screaming, and throwing of tarps to cover me ..) I tried arguing once saying it wasn't fair .. men get to show their muscles and no-one says anything.
He told me ... "THOSE aren't muscles .. believe me..."
He used to be in intelligence and he often reminds me he could bring me to my knees with one move. I point out I could do the same thing with one knee .... even without the years of training. It is a stalemate .. I think that is what makes us so compatible … if we wrestled naked for hours ..there would be no clear winner …. We would just have to keep going .. And we do …
.....hehehe … bye ......see you all on the flip side.
DRESS: SAS (just one of many colours available)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Don't you love the part in old movies when the person said ... "just let me slip into something a bit more comfortable .." and they they came out in some amazingly beautiful lingere?
You can't do that anymore.
Either the people are already naked and you are like "dude seriously ..put your clothes back on ..." or "something comfortable" would be flannel jammies and bunny slippers. Have we lost the art of dressing for seduction? I think schools have taken that word out of the dictionary ... along with all the other words they fear might incite some type of emotional response.... We want our kids entertained, numb and unemotional .. pass the ritalin Kool-Aide please....
I think that is why seniors give in so easily and just hand themselves over to the dark side ... support hose, orthopedic shoes and polyester, elasticized waisted pants pulled up under the armpits. Those pants were sheer genius for seniors ... not only do they help to stand up an elderly fragile person, they can provide lift and support for sagging breasts on both men and women. Hike them just a bit higher and you have added support for diapers and the urge to let go in the middle of Walmart ...
So in conclusion .. seduction no longer exists on television or in our lives and it is all the fault of the seniors who abandon it because they probably have shares in polyester.
SKIN: Glam Affair
JEWELLERY: Fresh Baked Goods
SHOES: Heart n' Soul
Monday, November 8, 2010
Paisley laughed at my pants yesterday .. but they had the last revenge cause when she cameraed in to see them ... it made her viewer crash. Other guests spoke of being transported to a different dimension when they looked at them which my pants have done for years .. what can I say .. I just have it.
I was actually trying to buy my way in with the SLipsters cause they were on the show and I so wanted their approval but then all these girls showed up in the front row with bananas and no-one noticed me ... so then ILLbxby mentioned Panoptic Architecture and we were all like .. "WHOA dude ... what does that mean?" And he said it was architecture designed to make you look at a certain point and then Paisley said oh I thought it had something to do with breasts and then she shared her breasts were completely self architectured .... nothing plastic there...but defintely Panopitc Architecture.
And I love it when you have those moments and everything just sort of comes together cause when you think about it we were a TV show resplendent in Panoptic Architecture .... Paisley's Breasts and my pants ....except I am not sure how many people were looking at her breasts .. not with my pants in the room anyway ...
OH ... and I never made it "in" with the SLipsters ...but thanks for asking .... I will always be on the outside looking in ... even with the classy nerds ... sigh ....but I am not giving up .. next stop .. under a bridge near you. I am thinking bag lady is a look I can pull off.
TOP UNDER: SecondWave Apparel
Sunday, November 7, 2010
My grandmother was always on about a girl should have a hope chest.
So at 8 I took one of her parachute type bras and began to toss my loose change into it "hoping" that one day I would have a chest .. but please God, not one like hers ...
When she explained to me that no no no ... it was for dishes and doilies and linens and things for when I get married .. that was when I realized the truth ... I was born into a family of cheapskates .. they expected me to get my own stuff just so they could avoid buying me shower and wedding presents ...
It's hard to gain back trust once it is lost like that ...
(just a word to the wise .. revenge is not a good idea .. telling your grandparents they too should have a hope chest and put in things like support hose, polydent, geritol, diapers and babyfood .. in hopes they will one day have a nice nursing home .... cause payback is a bitch baby ... is NOT the way to go .. I repeat .. NOT THE WAY TO GO ... .unless you are developing a fondness for meaningful conversations with Mr. Belt ...)
HAIR: Vita's Boudoir
My Great Grandfather used to always say "Life is an invitation." At least that is what we thought he was saying ... he never wore his false teeth .. looking back he may have been saying "Wife, you have limitations," cause he told us once he saw dead people but at the time I thought he was saying "life is an invitation."
So I never took no for an answer .. I still don't ....but I have learned to at least sympathize with the wishes of others. I remember the one time I didn't make the school newspaper and I thought they were wrong. So I just showed up every day and sat at the desk I made out of cardboard boxes, and the cardboard chair I taped together with my cardboard typewriter with the little hole punched cardboard circles I made and wrote every letter on and glued into place. My desk was right next to my cardboard filing cabinet and my paper mache' phone, photo copierm and fax machine with the paper mache' water cooler off to one side. I was just outside the door of the newspaper and every day when no-one was looking I would yawn and stretch my arms out and scoot my chair just a little bit closer to the editors desk. For weeks I was in the doorway and people had to climb over me to get in ... and still no-one noticed me.
But I never gave up ... and I inched closer and closer until I was sitting right next to the editors desk, smiling, waiting, pencils sharpened ... Finally one day he turned to me and said .. Blissy ... I have something only you can cover ,.. are you game? I nodded and stood up, pencil poised .. ready to go ....
It turned out a water pipe had burst in the basement. I was the only one he trusted to cover it .... . I stood at the top of the stairs gulping nervously as I peered into the dark, and my editor, being strong and editorial, did me the biggest favour ever .. he gave me a little push and closed the door behind me. He knew I needed that little bit of encouragement.
I was in that basement for three days trying to hold hold the duct tape on the pipe with one hand and scooping water with my paper cup with the other. I saved the school. That is what good reporters do, they sacrifice themselves. It was not just a first assignment .. it was a gift ... a gift that said to me .. YOU are a journalist .... YOU are the best water scooper this shool has.
When someone finally found me, (they said no one heard me cause the door was hidden behind a bunch of cardboard and paper mache that had been brutally kicked and stomped on ...) they said .. "boy are you an idiot falling for that .."
I cried for a week. The security guard at the door of the school newspaper had instructions to used whatever bodily force necessary should I come within 25 yards of the door. I never got to file that first story .. ever.
No this does not have a happy ending .. cause that is the way of a journalist.
Life is a bitch.
But the next year, grade two ... I got to sharpen pencils for the golf team.
SUIT: G Sloane Couture
SCARF: Tres Beau