Thursday, December 30, 2010

Aww .. family time ...

amis3

I love watching families on vacation .. you can always spot them .. they are the SUV packed to the rafters with bikes and boxes of biscuits ... mom is on her cell phone, the kids each have a tv set of their own to watch AND an MP3 player in their ears for those dreadfully boring nano-seconds of silence between when people talk to one another.

amis2

The rainforests, mountains, oceans, wildlife.... they all flash by the car in a blur as dad concentrates on his GPS and has a book read to him electronically.

Then, when they arrive at their destination, there is a huge welcoming celebration and they get to meet the people they will be sharing a room with.

amis6

"Muffy .. this is your father, Dan."

"Dan .. meet your wife Alice."

"Biff you remember your older brother Andrew don't you?"

I think it is just the nature of the season that we are all brought together in such meaningful ways only if it is just until they sort out who is sleeping where. You can't buy those types of moments ....

SKIN: MonS
HAIR: Logo & Kin
LASHES: Amacci
DRESS: SAS
SHOES: Sim I lar
EARRINGS: Meghindo's
POSES: BEBO

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Great Fun of a Fresh Page to Start the New Year!!!

2011

I would like to thank Ohren Beck and Agatha Klees for their many kindness, professionalism, and the respect they showed me while working as the Editor in Chief for Essence of Style Magazine.  Life has many ways of teaching us lessons and I learned so much about virtual publishing, integrity, and people from both these ladies.  Right down to the last minute these women taught me the true meaning of friendship. Lots of people talk alot about what friendship is and how it should behave and what they expect from others but in the end, it all comes down to how you actually treat your friends, your employees, your clients, and how you live your life.

I am so proud of what I accomplished with EOS.  In one short year I was part of 6 issues, became EIC, wrote and photographed 53 articles, edited, rewrote, photographed several others, did a cover .. had the opportunity to work with and teach several people .... it was awesome!!  Lots of hard work, lots of insanity, constantly shifting deadlines, but a fantastic opportunity that I am just so grateful for.

This departure is an exciting opportunity for me and I cannot thank them enough.  I have enjoyed all the people I have had the chance to work with, getting to know you as I interviewed you.  So many of you were so supportive and kind.  Thank you SL, thank you everyone, thank you Ohren and Agatha.

YAY 2011 .. cannot wait!

Go Outside And Play ...

cat2

Remember when your parents used to drag you out of your bedroom and insist you go outside and play and get some sunshine.  I mean like do they not understand that with enough weed sunshine is irrelevant?  I mean technically it is a vegetable and contains all the same nutrients of lettuce ... only .. more ..

cat3

But like they would push you outside and you would stand there in your yard like "WOW here I am neighbourhood kids .. come and get me ... fun fun fun for everyone ..."  

Only no-one ever came ...

cat4

Mainly because you are on a farm in the middle of nowhere and kids stood in their yards all day in complete isolation believing themselves to be losers cause no-one came ... nothing happened except they often got sun burnt and sometimes a bird shit on them ...

That is another special part of therapy when one attempts to find one's self esteem after you pass 30, live in the city, and have reported your family as part of the prairie farm cult that cruely abused you for years.

SKIN: Candy Doll
LASHES: Amacci
HAIR: Boon
JACKET: Leezu
DRESS: Gawk
BOOTS: A-Bomb
EARRINGS: Shade Throne
BRACELET: Mix & Match
PURSE: Chuculet
POSES: Del May Poses

Monday, December 27, 2010

Gum.

Gum1

Gum2

Another fantastic skin offered by JeSyLiLo. These packages have just so many options and easy to move from cute cute to more sophisticated depending how you accessorize your avi.

Things Discussed at the Christmas Dinner Table.

rlp2

The big topic this year was the Woolly Mammoth Cloning Project.

Yup that was it.

It is very relevant to Chritmas and all that it encompasses ... think relatives older than dirt and they only seem to arrange them around the table at Christmas. Like they bring them out and dust them off along with the plastic Santa that goes in the yard, and as long as you can remember they have looked the same. Well they are kinda dinoaurs and so are Woolly Mammoths - hence the appropriateness of the conversation ....

rlp3

"Did you know they have the DNA and they are going to go ahead and clone the Woolly Mammoth?"

"Um… ok .. ya that is swell .. thanks for sharing ..."

"Ya they want to see what happens?"

"Ok isn't that a little bit like lighting your farts with a blow torch?"

"Well consider it .."

"I am… YOU consider the cane toad, the rabbit … what if these things take hold and then they are running all over the place ?"

"Why would that happen?  They are Wolly Mammoths for crying out loud."

"Oh I don't know, because if you make one why not the second one .. they don't call them mad scientists for nothing.  AND,  maybe the mammoths didn't die from the Ice Age, maybe they died from exhaustion cause they are sex maniacs ..... and if that is the case we would be in so much trouble."

"OMG .. how much wine have you had?  How do you figure that?"m (lots of eye rolling and wine bottle hiding going on here)

"YOU are asking me?  You brought up this stupid conversation," (more wrestling for wine bottles - ancient relatives being sent flying in the melee and rolling under the table. I considered picking them up but thought they might be safer there and so left them)  "THINK ABOU IT .. if they ARE sex maniacs - and YOU CAN'T PROVE THEY AREN'T - you will have inbred mammoths multiplying ... and what if their hides are really extra tough, and they excrete a poison and hmmm .. here's the big thing .. they are bigger than MOUNTAINS … and they turn on us? I mean you can't just see a bunch of them on your lawn late at night and go out with a golf club like you can with the cane toads ….you can't lawn mower over them ….I mean this really begs the question just because we can should we? "

I was hyperventilating.

rlp1

That was pretty much it … we ate in silence and watched the cane toads as they lept past the window.

I think I made my point …

Woolly Mammoths .. Just say no.

SKIN: JeSyLiLo
LASHES: Amacci
HAIR: Truth
DRESS AND NECKLACE: GField
SHOES: Sierra Jakob Designs
POSES: Bang

Friday, December 24, 2010

Asin

Asin


I think it is important to recycle everything and Christmas is no exception.  All it takes is a little imagination and an extra large cask of wine and you can get tons of mileage out of anything associated with Christmas.

I like to gather all the sparkle cards I get.  This year I got an especially nice one from Paisley ... you just know when the mailman shows up at your door all glowing with sparkle dust that you hit paydirt ... and Paisley sends the dirtiest Christmas Cards .... I mean in a completely "pay" sort of way.  Now don't worry if you did not get any cards, just go to the hospital and "visit" the various wards …. seniors get lots of sparkle cards cause it helps them make out the reindeer and snowmen shapes on the winter scenes.

Take the cards and a dull knife and hold over a bag.  Scrape energetically.  Pour the scrapings into an old jewllery box and use sticky stars removed from your brothers old homework. Write "VERRRY EXPENSIVE CHI CHI POO POO BODY GLITTER" across the top of the box with a fancy marking pen .

Now you are ready to go out New Years Eve.  Get dressed.  Wrap left wrist with medical bandaids. Liberally apply glitter.  Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle.

Frequently take out glitter and sprinkle around during the evening.  Leave the box out often and when people ask, tell them a prince from overseas sent it to you ….. along with a rolls royce and a 100 carat diamond you were unable to wear tonight as you now suffer with repetivie arm injury from lifting it. Show them your wrapped hand ….look peeved … ( this look is achieved by remembering what it feels like to have to pee really bad then ramping it up with some "ved" ..).

You are sure to be the belle of the ball and everyone will be asking ... "Who was that fabulous fashionista ,.. was that Bliss Windlow?"  Don't be mad at them for thinking Bliss Windlow is the only Fabulous Fashionista .... some things just come naturally and I have had years of practice ...

If you are going to whine about it you can't use my idea .. I will sue you .. I came up with it first ... and don't even think about having glitter kitties or bunnies ... that was my idea ...

JeSyLiLo

When Santa Brings You a Wedding Dress.

WIP1

Ya so I had an aunt who never married and refused to believe that it had anything to do with her 23 cats, her unwillingness to shave under her arm pits, the fact the bath tub was a holy shrine, to be worshipped and never used by mere commoners, or that a door knob could probably win Miss Congeniality against her in a two horse race for Miss Prairie.

WIP2

One year we opened gifts and amidst her stockpile of kitty toys, kitty plates, kitty figurines (WHAT??  What do you think we should have given her?  Bubble bath was wasted ...) ... she pulls out a big box to her from Santa ... wrapped in kitty paper from the big ceramic lawn cat Uncle David gave her last year ....

She beams, makes us all watch .. opens it and it was a "wedding dress."  She announces ... "OMG Santa is telling me it is time ...."  and she got dressed in it .. veil, armpit hair and all ... and if you think armpit hair is nasty catching glimpses when her sleeves are a bit loose and you are angled just right - hanging over the top of a lovely strapless beaded gown can actually cause permanent and lasting trauma.

WIP3

I am serious ... the whole day ... buffet bowling with bridal gown .. she took out two of the kids and the christmas pudding ...

My Uncle John tried to reason with her ... he quietly took her aside and said "for the LOVE OF GOD Marian TAKE OFF THE DAMN DRESS YOU JUST TOOK OUT GRANDMA WITH HER WALKER.!!"  Nope, she would have none of it ...Santa (aka one of her personalities) had spoken ... and so she wore the wedding dress .... for the rest of her life.  We buried her in it ... and probably 3 or 4 cats that got lost up there somewhere ...and she spent the rest of her days believing her marriage was imminent, wandering the prairie wheat fields in the middle of the night through all the seasons except spring when she would go to the states for the cat fair.  Yup even in the fall she would just dodge the combines and search through the neat rows as if "he" might be hidden there ... (he wasn't but she did find a couple bottle of beer, a dead gopher and one of her mittens she lost that winter)

I know this is a poignantly sweet story and some of you are crying but I would just like to point out that this story actually contains an important community service message .... cats makes you insane.   Oh and it is time you grew up and realized Santa is a liar and a drunk and likes to play cruel jokes on people.

I really like it when stories have good messages that we can all learn and grow from .. they help us form meaningful lives ... like mine .... I am alive ...wheeeeee...

SKIN: Obscene
LASHES: Amacci
HAIR: Obscene
DRESS: aDIVA
JEWELLERY: G. Sloane
POSES: EverGlow

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Similarities

digb1

Christmas is like a really bad virus going around .. you are sitting at your morning coffee trying to be all grumpy wumpy and then you look out your window and see the street by the office littered with the festive wrappings of Christmas condoms and it just seems to break down your last reserve ....

digb2

I always give in at moments like that and break out the rum to add to the coffee ... which everyone knows .. is really what Christmas is all about.

There are many more similarities between that first Christmas and real life today ...they should ask kids in school to analyze this like we had to do Shakespeare .. you know how every line he wrote had so much meaning in it and foreshadowing that it is absolute proof they were doing speed way back then .. the guy must have been awake for years thinking it all out...

digb3

Oh the rum in the coffee? Just like the INN that Joseph and Mary were to stay in .. that is where the drinking comes into Christmas.

Animals in a manger .. the relatives that come round for the holidays ... especially the ass bit ...

Swaddling Clothes ... the presents for the kids from the relatives on the other side of the planet who think size 2 is ridiculous and so they add 10 points to that and swear everyone wears MU-MU's there.

The three wise men following the star - the way we follow other people around in a parking lot trying to finish our Christmas shopping so they can lead us to their stall and we can have it when they go.

King Herod looking for their butts so he could kill the baby ... debt collectors in the New Year once the bills start coming in.

The "flocks by night" - I think the sheep got lost in the translation  and somehow now we substituted turkeys .. that are grown in the dark though ...

Herald Angels Singing - pfft no brainer .. this of course refers to Alvin and the Chimpmunks Christmas Carols.

Life is just one big circle isn't it?

SKIN: Mozz
LASHES: Amacci
JEWELLERY: Mandala
SHOES: RRS
CLOTHES: Leezu
POSES: COD

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It is Summer in Aus ...

sbc1

Sorry to have to say such a thing in the midst of all the blustery cold elsewhere ... but if it helps .. I suffered when you were having your summer .. well not really .. you don't suffer in Aus but I can pretend ok? Can we still be friends?

sbc4

Lazy afternoons around the pool .. swatting bugs bigger than cows .... it is heaven ....

sbc5

Oh .. and another theory about Perth .. saw very few birds when I was there. I am thinking, sooo many flies, the birds ate too many, got sooo obese and could not fly ... waddled around on the ground and the cats ate them all ....

It is another reason why you should not go to Perth ... too many flies, not birds and big scary cats ...

SKIN: Redgrave
LASHES: Amacci
BELT: Dark Mouse
EARRINGS: Ear Candy
BRACELETS: Ora Trei (no longer available :(...)
BOOTS: Bax Coen
SKIRT: DK Designs
TOP: Leezu
POSES: EverGlow

Jennifer Candy!!

CD1

Candy and sweets are such an important part of Chrtistmas traditions ... whats not to love about endless candy canes ... left over from last year, handed out by a cheap santa in the mall ... I mean you ask children the world over, "tell us boys and girls, what is YOUR favourite candy in the whole world?"  The unified chorus is overwhelming ....

CD2

"We LOVVVVVVE Peppermint!!!"  (especially the kind that comes from Grandma's purse in church and is all furry and smells of stale perfume ... YUMMMMO!!!)

And that bag of hard candy with spice flavours and little flowers in the middle ... whooot .. don't the kids go crazy for that crap?
CD3

So it is no wonder that doctors in the US decided to do a study .... evidently obesity is linked to having a sweet tooth.  Which is just one more reason why I advocate having teethectomies and giving children dentures as soon as possible ... I thought it was just to save on dental bills but now here is the proof that it will also cut down on obesity and therefore save our medical system! 

Until this new law can be passed ... just throw away the peppermint .. please ... for the love of children everywhere ... it should not be introduced to their diet until they are at least 67.

CandyDoll

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree.

hctb2

My brother has always been into "degifting." It is actually a swell idea .. especially if you do not have any money for Christmas .. make it all seem like a big political choice or some benevolent act on your part.

hctb1

A couple years ago my brother said he was not buying a conventional Christmas gift. He was going to plant a tree in my name. So he said, "Hey I wanna show you your tree, can you pick me up in about an hour and take me to the mountains?"

It was Christmas and I had not reached that part in my therapy where we undid the programming my parents did concerning family obligations, so I said, "sure." He was waiting for me with about 3 suitcases and his new ski gear. Seeing as we were going to the mountains anyway, he thought he might as well take advantage of the trip and take a ski holiday there.

hctb4

So we drove into the mountains and he told me when to stop got out and we waded into the forest through the chest high snow and he pointed ... "there she is."

"Ummm ... YOU planted that for me?"

"Sure did."

"That tree is about 100 years old and has been here forever."

"Nope, just this last week, I had it planted, for you .. for Christmas. your tree....see?" And he took out a post-it note, wrote my name on it and stuck it on the tree.

I considered planting something for him too but it was Christmas, so I just got in the car and drove away and left him there with his suitcases. I could hear him swearing over the roar of the car engine as I drove off ... I don't think there was anything Silent or Holy about the night despite the fact Christmas was the next day.

I figured if they found him in the spring thaw it would make for a great homecoming Christmas for next year ... we could all catch up on how he survived, ate snow and dried twigs, and where he buried each toe as it fell off etc ...

He didn't ever come out. So, now we have a new tradition .. every year we visit my tree at Christmas, and think about him and the wonderful year when he degifted me with a tree ... and then we all go skiing ... I love traditions.

SKIN:  aRAWRa
LASHES:  Amacci
HAT, HAIR, OUTFIT:  UK Couture
EARRINGS: kraftika
BOOTS:  Stellar
POSES:  Bebo

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Wonderland.

winr1

Lots more foreshadowing here with Christmas stuff .. they obviously had visions of SL when they wrote the Christmas songs:

Chestnut's (I know her) roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost (dated him) nipping at your toes (bdsm and fetish communities are into toes and nipping)
Yuletide Carol's (saw her at a strip club when I was doing research) being sung by a choir (coming soon to SL with Eric Whitacre)
And folks dressed up like Eskimos (coming soon to SL . .. the eskimo role play sim)

winr2

Everybody knows a turkey (dated him too) and some Mistletoe (she designs thongs for dragons)
Helps to make the season bright (thank heavens that BLING trend is on the out)
Tiny Tots (the teen grid is amongst us as we speak) with their eyes all aglow (on sale now fat pack for $125)
Will find it hard to sleep tonight (because SL goes 24/7)

They know that Santa's on his way (as soon as LL fixes the teleports)
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh (have you seen all the hunts and elfs etc running amuck over the grid this season)
And every mother's child is going to spy (cause we have radar to track people and all kinds of nifty stalking tools now)
To see if Reindeer really know how to fly (of course they do - this is SL .. we all fly)

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
to kids from 1 - 92
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to You. (only cause we have probably 2 - 3 more years left before we too will succumb to the not allowed to say Christmas when celebrating Christmas ... we must all pretend it is not Christmas cause Christmas is bad ...)
SKIN: aRAWRa
LASHES: Amacci
DRESS: SAS
EARRINGS: kraftika
POSES: EverGlow

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Fa La Laaing

mbnt1

You have to appreciate that someone thought ahead to the Christmas parties when everyone would be drunk and forget all the words and we would no longer be able to say disgusting things like "Christmas."

mbnt2

Now everyone can be part of the festivities "la la laaing" away ..

mbnt3

I mean how appropriate is it that we have a perfect song with words used when people forget the real words for a holiday where we forget why we even have it ... I mean come on ... this surely qualifies for a miracle.  Now that we are discounting Jesus and all ... we should celebrate really meaningful things .... like this.  I can't wait until Valentines Day becomes another "happy holiday" and we finally give gallbladders and spleens the same hallmark time that hearts have monopolized all these years.

We should just go ahead and create equality across the board .. Not "Silent Night," -  "Silent anytime."  Not "Santa Clause is coming to town" ... "Oprah is coming to town."  Not "Hark The Herald Angels Sing," - "Hark the American Idol Sings."  Lets keep it fresh and relevant.  Oh hell lets just be real and call it "Happy Most Commercial Day of the Year Day." 

Could someone hand me a tissue please ... progress is always so heartwarming and meaningful .... lets hold hands around the "holiday plant" .. fa la la, la la, la la la la ......

SKIN: eSTYLE
HAIR: 69
LASHES : ADIVA
OUTFIT: ADIVA
SHOES: LELUTKA

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Deer In The Headlights.

bowa1

The Urban dictionary defines "a deer caught in the headlights" as:

A mental state of high arousal caused by anxiety, fear, panic, surprise and/or confusion, or substance abuse. A person experiencing the "deer in headlights" syndrome often shows behavioral signs reminding those of a deer subjected to a car's headlights, such as widely opened eyes and a transcient lack of motor reactions.

bowa2

All those years of my brother trying to run me over with the combine late at night when I had to take coffee out to the men .... who knew the skills I developed then would take me so far in later life???  I can do this now sans the headlights (or the combine).  I do however take the drugs but that has nothing to do with needing them ...

(oh .. and every definition in Urban dictionary starts with,  buy mugs, tshirts and magnets."  Which goes a long way in backing up my theory that tourists are really really sick people)


SKIN: League
HAIR: Beauty Avatar
LASHES: E'Dior
OUTFIT: UK Couture
SHOES: PB
ANTLERS: Prim & Pixel

Monday, December 6, 2010

Charli.

Charli

Bella Di Notte has come out with a lovely new skin just in time for the holidays. There are lots of options, like many of the skin designers, offering greater versatility and much more value for money.

Cleavage packages are sold seperately but every skin comes with options for light and dark brows and eyeliner and lashes that are tattoo layers that can be combined with 2.0 viewer. A shape is included with each fatpack. Makeup packs can also be bought separately.

This is, without a doubt, Jade Glazner's best skin to date.

Charli 2

The Christmas Rush.

lca 3

I think it is wonderful to go to the mall ... see all the lights and decorations .. the music .. shopping for your loved ones ..Santa .. little kids with their eyes all aglow ...

lca 1

And the parents foaming at the mouth telling you to "F**k off," and "get the hell outta my way."

lca 2

I learn new swear words every year .. and usually from the grandmas rushing to pick up the last of the Christmas wool so they can finish their sock monkeys ... LOVVVE sock monkeys ....

You know, when they bash their shopping carts into me... and while I am doubled over on the cement floor, gasping for breath and vomiting I just smile and wish them "peace on earth."  'Cause that is the spirit of Christmas .. and once the egg nog kicks in I even get more lovey ....

LASHES: E'Dior
HAIR: Mirai Style
OUTFIT: aDiva
EARRINGS: A&A
SHOES: Nardcotix
SKIN: Glam Affair
POSES: Gesticulate

Naughty and Nice.

SOB1

Christmas is confusing as a kid.  Try to explain to grandparents that it is possible to be both naughty and nice .. we do after all encompass all ends of the spectrum and the duality of any given value is necessary to define the other. 

SOB3

I even tried to demo with crayons .. that contrasts compliment one another ... but all they kept talking about was some list with Santa and sharing toys and not locking my brother in the root cellar in the middle of winter when he is naked.

You do know Santa is a grandparent right?

More pics here.

SKIN: Tribal Soul Designs
LASHES: Talon Faire
EYE PATCH: Baiastice
HAIR: Sirena
OUTFIT: A&A
GLOVES: LOULOU&CO
EARRINGS: Djinn & Tonic
SHOES: Stiletto Moody

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Canada invents ALL the Really Cool Stuff.

sbs3

Canada invented the etch-a-sketch …

sbs4

It came from children sitting in front of their windows at home and using their thumb nails to etch pictures into the ice of lovely mountains and houses, and families and Christmas trees (pay no attention to the penis that my brother drew that one year …). Children would etch away the hours and then simply blow on the window, erasing it all and forming a new sheet of ice to etch in. Meanwhile parents everywhere grew hoarse screaming at kids to stop making a mess of their clean windows .. well at least the unartistic grandparenty ones did. Yup that was the original etch-a-sketch but for the modern ones … they had to make modifications of course.

Even though Canadian kids carry window panes with them everywhere just so they can etch when they feel creative, they decided to make the "window pane" smaller and more portable when they went global. (Think cell phones .. The originals were large pieces of luggage it took 3 men to lift into the trunk of the car and the little ones are often confused for tampax holders now they are so small - same technology at play here) Going global is something Canadians always have to contend with … just look at curling and synchronized swimming .. everyone does it now. The world sits at our feet and then when we aren't looking, steals all our great ideas.

sbs1

They knew that most kids do not have super strong nails and fingers like Canadian kids and so they made little dials that even wimpy "not-Canadian" kids could manage. They also decided that iced windows would not work in places like the Sahara Desert and so they decided to use sand and because they wanted it to be high tech .. magnetic thingys.

Because they were worried about a massive halitosis outbreak, especially from the vegemited mouthed Aussie kids, from breathing , and because breathing on magentic sand thingys does not have the same outcome as breathing on iced windows .. they decided to shake the new "window" and hence incorporate exercise into the whole process (and thus it become a prototype forerunner for what would eventually become the WII - which, as you can clearly see now, is obviously also a Canadian invention.)

And then .. They painted it red in honour of our flag ….. and ketchup.

Now most children, the world over pick up their amazing etch-a-sketches and never give them a second thought .. but now you know .. .this is the rich history behind the famous toy.

OHHHH BTW (almost forgot) AND in a completely unrelated story .. Check out ebay .. I am selling 5,382 antique, collectible, historically significant, articfactual, etch-a-sketchs. Make sure you get one for your loved one for Christmas .. it will be the gift that keeps on giving …. trust me …


SKIN: League
HAIR: Dark Mouse
LASHES: Talon Faire
EARRINGS: U&R Dog
PANTS: Tres Beau
PURSE: Wanda's
JACKET: Boom
POSES: Bebo
LOCATION: Lusiadas

Friday, December 3, 2010

Lingere - The Leading Cause of Death.

lca2

Lingere is actually evil. It is deadly, and the fact that it is seductive and ribbony and lacy should make it clear that someone behind the concept has put a lot of thought into how to seduce unsuspecting women into the store, only to club them over the head, throw them in the trunk and then dump their bodies down a steep ravine.

I know for a fact that the leading cause of death amongst women is spandex. That's right, more women are killed or maimed putting on spandex than lumberjills in the wilds of Canada are killed by powersaws, bears or wives back home combined. I know … it is a staggering number …. Please take a moment .. Get one of your coworkers to sit with you while you sip coffee slowly and read the rest of this.

fbl2

I want you to consider the woman, stuck in her spandex laying on a fitting room floor gasping for breath …. That spandex piece ... promising firmness, beauty, seduction …. all aimed to make you forget the laws of physics that no matter how stretchy something the size of an envelope is ….it is not going to cover the entire mail truck and neatly tuck in the mudflaps, bumpers and mirrors.

As she tries to put it on she manages to move her mouth to her ear twisting and turning….she jumps and sits … sometimes both at the same time … and she holds her breath … and she tugs and manages to get it around her chest and one boob. Gasping for breath, red faced, she now realizes she cannot breathe. She considers her options.

lca1

She could cry for help and have the size 2 sales clerk scream when she pulls back the curtain and observes a shar-peiian woman on the floor spilling her "wrinkles onto the floor .. Cute on a puppy, not quite the same effect on a middle aged woman who now has a contorted red face and is blubbering all over the carpet. OR she could run out into the store naked and find her husband whose sensitivity in moments like this is renowned. And so she does what women always do .. suffers in silence (I mean if you overlook the grunting) ... and she begins to pull it in the opposite direction .. desperate to get it off.

She jumps and sits … sometimes both at the same time … and she holds her breath … and she tugs and manages to get her chest and one boob pulled back up beside her mouth and ear…. all on her face. She forces her one arm in and now .. her mouth, ear, boob, AND arm are all turning purple and are eerily squished to one side above a band of perfectly blended to skin tone (a fact which really comforts at times like these) elastic spandex known better by realists as  "garrotdex."

fbl3

She fumbles for her purse, kicking at it until the phone comes out and opens on the floor. She falls down beside it gasping in pain, manages to use her loose boob to hit the emergency speed dial, and begins her 911 call.

"HEP ME HEP ME. I fall'n an' can' ge up. I dyin. Can' breat'"
'Sorry ma'am? Are you ill?"
"NO can' breat'"
"Okay is there someone there you can have help you?"
"NO"
"Okay do exactly as I say.  Lay Down.  Remove all tight restrictive clothing and calm down …."

And then she dies waiting for the paramedics and it is really sad. Of course it has to be a closed coffin …

The few women who manage to escape with their lives face years of ridicule and misunderstandings. You know how people are when you come out of the dressing room all red faced and sweaty, hair standing on end, breathing really hard, people having heard all this jumping and moaning …

You think about that next time you read the wall in the bathroom and it says "Janey is a slut." (unless of course you are Janey and you wrote it and are proud of the fact)

It is very sad that this kind of death is probably the most misdiagnosed and misunderstood for women.  It is the silent killer that no-one talks about.  The families are left to keep a dark secret of shame.  And it is a legacy ... with all those people doing their geneology and people saying .. "my great grandmother died travelling across the prairies alone with 37 children in a handcart" .. you can't just stand up and say, "my great grandmother died naked in a dressing room of girdle strangulation."  You just can't.  (handing you a tissue)

It helps to talk about this.  You know if we could only admit that we have bumpers and just embrace them …. 

Please pass this on to all the women you know and love .. share it with them .. warn them of the dangers of girdle shopping alone. If you do, something great will happen ... in the next 10 years - I promise .. .and if you don't pass it on to 27 friends right away then I am not likely to get any advertising and I was hoping to be able to afford to go get a new girdle ... I heard they have new spandex that is non lethal ...

More pics here
Seldom Blue  (These outfits coming soon!!  What a Christmas Gift :)!!)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Power Tools would Have Been So Helpful In HighSchool.

ppp2

There are some add-ons to our technological cornucopia of tools that would have been so helpful in highschool.

ppp1

Like the Stud finder .. imagine being at a dance when "those boys" ... you know the ones I mean .. clearly pass right by you as they scout out fresh meat to dance with ...acting like they are all that.  You could walk up to them, pull the stud finder out of your purse, point and click at each one of them in turn and look at the reading and go ... "nope ... not a single stud in the group ..." and move on.

ppp3

Or the girls who tell you that you are not even on the map and act like they are sooo much better than you and you are not worthy to breathe air on the same planet with them ...That is when you pull out the GPS in front of them and type in their name, study the screen, ask if there might be an alternate spelling, and then show them .. "NOPE ... you can't be on any map if the GPS can't find you!"

Stay tuned for next time when I tell you all about the magic a little duct tape and a stapler can work on snotty girls left alone in the washroom with you ....
SKIN: League
HAIR: Liriope
LASHES: E'Dior
OUTFIT: aDiva
SHOES: STC
JEWELLERY: Shade Throne