Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I was a good kid. I took my duties very seriously. I had my bucket list and I was determined to get through them all before I reached my 20's.
Of course having a seance in a graveyard was there and so dutifully, my brother and I reported one evening for the humble efforts of prairie kids to contribute their little prairie graveyard seance experience to the great hall of passage rites.
It was a dark and stormy night and of course my brother needed to make sure everyone was completely scared. He told us about how the last time someone did a seance there that Old Mrs. Husslebomb showed up and took her head off and that the next day one of the kids opened up their lunch pail and there it was. Everyone screamed and huddled closer together. He did such a good job that he scared himself and so when suddenly we heard a noise and some weird lights appeared out of nowhere and were moving towards us and it took a nanosecond for the rest of us to scream, pee our pants, and take off running in the opposite direction ... he sat frozen in fear and mid scream. By the time he turned his head and started to get up, we had a good half a mile on him.
He ran through the dark after us with the lights in pursuit. The only thing is he sucks at seeing in the dark and so it was not surprising he could not see where he was going and suddenly, as he ran, his feet lost contact with the earth and he was free falling down down down ...... THUD! He found himself kissing the bottom of a freshly dug grave.
Well if lying high jump every becomes an Olympic Sport he is so going to do his country proud because with one leap he was out of the grave and caught up to and passed the rest of us with this half whoosh half scream ...... we heard his faint calls as he left us in his dust .... The eerie sounds of "mmmmmmoooooommmmmmmy" howled through the night and must have scared the heck out of the lights cause they vanished too.
When we reached the car he was under the back seat shaking and white whimpering a little. No-one spoke a word when as we drove home. What happens at the seance stays at the seance .. you know?
....well at least until breakfast the next morning when I was duty bound to turn him in to the grandparents for dragging me out to a seance. They had heard some kids were at the graveyard last night and demanded to know where we were. You just don't cavort with Satan around Aardvark and Humpydora you know. This was serious stuff. I have to admit that sometimes I freely gave over that Biff was older than me, especially when it could be used to avert attention from me.
I got cookies and milk and my choice of TV shows. I love Seances.
SKIN: Al Vulo
DRESS: House of Dashwood
POSES: Del May
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Children are fantastic ....
I especially like it when they blackmail you with threats to reveal intimate details of your life to grandma. Or when their parents let them run around your house and they come back with what they found in the drawer by the bed ....
I am fast on my feet though .. I told my mother in law it was a mini purse vibrator for when you get those pinched nerves in your neck - you can just do a little massage before they set in really deep. I went to take it from her but she had already found the on switch and was moving it toward her neck. She loved it ... and started massaging herslef, purring in contentment. I choked on my coffee and tried to distract her with other things so we could get the family dinner underway ...
One should never let down one's guard when it concerns your mother in law ...
Later as we sat around the dinner table, the laughter and fun with family and friends was interrupted with the whir of a motor as my mother in law sat back, butterfly held in her hand and worked on her neck. I watched as if in slow motion as facial expressions changed from puzzlement ...to recognition ... to horror .....
I am still trying to get the coffee stains off the walls .... it was almost a coffee spew on cue .. and the big winner for distance was clearly .. my husband ....
SKIN: Freckle Designs
EARRINGS: Ear Candy
DRESS: Faster Pussycat
SHOES: Stiletto Moody
Monday, August 29, 2011
I remember learning making up dating rules when I was growing up. The Biffster (my brother) argued them with me .. But what did he know .. he was both a boy and a brother .. 2 strikes and you are out….
I remember talking to him one day about it and I told him that I knew that Gary Pinuckle liked me. I mean every girl WANTED Gary Pinuckle to like them…. but I knew. I knew because I asked to borrow his pencil and he said "no." It wasn't so much the words he used as it was the way he said them. "No." He was obviously communicating to me that he wanted me to chase him. It was a psychological trick to make me like him more, which was really funny on account of I don't think that was possible (to like him more) and so I punched him the arm and laughed out loud … even when he was walking away I was still laughing .. that's how funny it was. And I did chase him .. all during recess and then later I chased him to the bus… damn he was fast .. But that is how I liked my men in Grade 5 … fast.
My brother rolled his eyes and asked me if I had considered, for just one moment, that perhaps Gary Pinuckle said "no" because he couldn't stand me and didn't want to get my "cooties" on his pencil. I told him right there and then what I thought of that idea …
I tried to tell my brother that unless he learned about how men communicate with women and how we women interpret men's attempts to communicate with us .. he was destined to be an even bigger loser than he already was. He said, "But I don't wanna date Gary Pinuckle."
"That's not the point, if some girl asked if she could borrow your pencil you wouldn't even know what was going on would you? I bet YOU would think she wanted to borrow your pencil."
"Well yes, when those words are put together, 'May I borrow your pencil.' I tend to think .. Hmmm .. This person wants to borrow my pencil which is probably what Gary Pinuckle thought and then he thought about lending it to you and then he said, 'No.'"
"No way .. He knew what I was talking about and he knew the pencil was representative of the love that we were negotiating and he wanted to engage in the age old lovers game of pursuit and he knew that by saying "No" he wasn't saying "get lost" and he knew that I would know he knew what I knew when I asked him and so he was saying "I really like you and I like you so much I am going to play hard to get and you can chase me." I had to sit down .. I was out of breath.
"OMG you are insane … can't you just use one of your own pencils and leave Gary Pinuckle alone?"
"I don't think so."
"There are rules in the pencil love game … and I have to follow them…."
SKIN: The Obscene
JEWELLERY: Virtual Impressions
DRESS: Morea Style
SHOES: Seldom Blue
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I was shopping the other day ...
And a very attractive younger couple were walking around in a daze. She stopped to look on one side of the display - he on the other ... when he boomed out ... "Hey,what was it you were complaining about not having the other day?"
About a dozen of us women, older and wiser, did an Exorcist head spin, that only women with male stupidity radar can do, and a collective gasp resounded throughout the store temporarily drowning out the loudspeaker anouncements for the big sale going on right now in lingerie. The man stopped dead in his tracks like a stag caught in the headlights of a oncoming train driven by the head Feminist of all things women hold sacred. We looked at one another and made clucking sounds, rolled our eyes and shared the unspoken message of our eyes .... " I CANNOT believe he just said that! In PUBLIC!!!"
Perfectly trained little men trotted obediently to their wives sides and immediately offered ... "He should have said something more like, 'Hey honey, what was it you mentioned the other day you needed?' Right dear???" And women nodded and patted their husbands hands reassuringly ....
The woman in question was also holding her husband's hand ...ever so tightly ... as she led him out of the store ...
There was going to be some ass whooping in the old town when she got him back into the car!!!
DRESS: Paris Metro
POSES: Di's Poses
Friday, August 26, 2011
I was shopping for a birthday present the other day and stopped to look at a bin full of costumes to see if there was anything interesting for dress up.
I found a Batman costume and the warning label stated that the costume did not enable you to fly.
I was sooo relieved to read them taking responsibility like that .... I mean some people might argue it is cruel to dash the hopes and curb the spirit of little kids like that but I disagree. The kids will be fine, but the adults HAVE to be roped in and they need to hear the truth.
I am going to cut that out and make sure that I keep it so I can talk hubby off the roof the next time he is up there with his leotards, his speedo, and the towel around his neck.
I just wish they would put warnings on power tools like "WARNING - use of this power saw does not guarantee that the kitchen will ever be finished."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I told my hubby he has to give me space today ...
I got up this morning and there is something wrong with the viewer .. nothing is rezzed yet and I swear he looks ruthed.
I told him he needs to rebake himself and he said " I don't think the oven is big enough," like THAT was supposed to make sense to anyone. Sometimes he just loses the plot and is sooo out of touch with reality ... and NOT funny....
I find that a lot with people. Like at the women's group yesterday they wanted to talk about sabotage in the work place and I was like, "listen .. we need to get priorities right here ... how is mesh going to impact us and the question I have that no-one is asking is ... does it mean the rest of my inventory is done?"
I hate that when it happens ... like when Walmart decides that leggings and tshirts are out and parachute pants are in ... you can't wear leggings anymore and you have to walk into the closet with the rainbow selection of leggings you picked up at a bargain of a price at the end of last season and just feel the loss .. it is painful painful stuff....
So I am going to sit here until the world rezzes properly and my fingers are not grey blobs or until LL comes up with a viewer that works better in RL .... I want them to fix that bug where people don't see what I see .... it gets hard holding up "Bliss on a stick," in front of me all the time.
LOCATION: Spring Glass Pavillion
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I bought an xray machine off ebay...
and a Google+ hall monitor uniform...
Ya I stop them, make them get out, xray them, pat them down and tell them they can't go home until they can prove they are who they say they are. I am pretty tough .. like I want to talk to the people who were there and actually saw them being born. The government will need to know this.
Some of them may never make it home ....unless they are prepared to dig up their mom and dad and get some kind of John Edwards dude ....but they should have thought of that before they tried to live on the street.
Yup if they can't be verified .. they don't exist ... and they need to take their non-existent asses to some other neighbourhood .....
POSES: Tea Soup
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I woke up this morning and apologized to my husband.
"What for?" He wanted to know .. and I have to say he sounded hopeful ...
"I lost the car in this sludgey looking bay, it kinda slipped in when I was talking to the guy on the elephant."
"What elephant?? what???"
"The one that was following me and was telling me that the Aliens that were after me were not what they seemed and that I should "transverse the uncommon."
He turned to look at me to see if I was actually awake and as I was sitting up in bed and usually when I am not awake I am laying down, he jumped right to a conclusion that I was indeed awake. "I have no idea what you are talking about and frankly, I don't think you do either."
"Yes I do... I am apologizing for losing the car in the sludgey water bay .. I mean that sludge was so gross .. it looked like vomit ... and like I said, the car slipped in when the elephant distracted me so I can't be sure that the aliens didn't orchestrate the whole thing, but what is important is the car went in and then somehow I was in the car and so were you .. you know how dreams go ... and ..."
He was sighing a lot now and trying to get dressed in the dark quicker than I had ever seen him try ... I knew I had to hurry.
"...and I was afraid to jump out the window but somehow we got out and we stood on the shore and didn't know what to do and then the tide went out after awhile and there were all kinds of cars there but not ours .. and no-one could explain it and well ... I am really sorry ..."
"It'll be fine...: and he patted my hand and I knew I was not mistaking the disappointment in his voice then ... I wondered what he had hoped I was apologizing for ...cause I could not think of a single thing I had ever done wrong.
"So how was your night?"
"Did you know that I have been alive for 543,856,921.3 days (that number is not accurate as to the one he gave me .. I wish I could say I was paying attention but frankly I wasn't on account of I was trying to get dressed in the dark as quickly as I could)
"And that is when you knew it was time to get up?" I asked escaping ready to bolt into the hall.
When your mind turns to counting things, or anything math, you just know it is time to get the hell out of Dodge.
I thought about the long nights, laying awake in bed, not able to sleep .. him counting things, me trying to dodge the aliens and talking to elephants ....
... and that folks pretty much sums up the difference between men and women and why women have much richer and fuller lives.
Monday, August 22, 2011
My cousin and I decided to put on a show once .... out in the trees on the large flat deck of the hay trailer ....
We had costumes and music and we performed a stunning rendition of something or another that made sense to us then but I cannot for the life of me remember now other than it involved us being beautiful and dancing and singing all over the place.
It was a very professional performance and I must say .. folks are still talking about it ...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I think we should just do away with tradition and wear wedding dresses when we feel like it.
The way I figure it - keeping them all for that one special day and then creating a closet mausoleum in order to watch them turn from bright white to a sort of dull dirty yellow which frankly, I think is a really cruel way of life commenting back to you - "You think this dress looks bad? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" well ... I don't think that has worked so well for us. I mean we try to make everything about that day special ... we buy clean pretty underwear, we save ourselves for that day, we buy a one time wear dress of virginal white, we throw a big party and invite all our family and closest friends, we pledge undying love until death do us part, and we change our names ...and we still fail.
After a few years the pretty underwear is no different from the rest of the old worn underwear in our drawer .. those little bows fall off, we are still waiting for the big prize for saving ourselves, the one time dress hangs in the closet taunting us with the trip to Europe we could have done for a whole year instead of paying for a stupid dress, we hate our families and we can't even name the "friends" who came to the wedding, who knew that dying could be so drawn out and painful, and the names you call your spouse now never got written down on the license. And shouldn't some licenses just be allowed to expire and unrenewed ... revoked?
So I think, at the very least, women should get some wear out of their old wedding dresses ... if it doesn't fit anymore, trade it in on a smaller one (hey a girl can dream) or wear it on one arm or one leg ... hell leave it unzipped ... put a t-shirt underneath!
Go out into the yard, go shopping, go pick up the kids from school and strut with some damn pride. You paid for that damn dress in ways that people cannot even begin to appreciate and you should wear it whenever you feel like it.
Besides I love it when I am wearing mine and everyone closes their windows and locks their doors .... it gives me an incredible feeling of power and as soon I can figure a way to break back into my house I am going to get the veil ....
DRESS: House of Dashwood
LOCATION: Lost Gardens of Thera
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I liked the simplicity of childhood.
The monsters come and you close your eyes because that makes them go away. I think it is an unwritten monster rule .. like everything is fair game. If the kid keeps his eyes open and is screaming ... you have a green light, but the moment he closes his eyes - that is a super power that draws a line Monsters cannot cross. They have to go away.
The sheet pulled up over the head is another. Once the "rule of sheet" is invoked .. there is no more killing and maiming going to happen and the monsters have to take a hike. Which kind of makes you think .. so what is with pulling the sheet up over a dead body - is that just rubbing it in ... sort of saying - you should have pulled the sheet up cause now it is just wayyyy tooo late ....I think that should be pretty good evidence that coroners and police are not always nice people and a bit insecure cause they need to have the last say ...
I liked that about childhood. Something happens though with the power of closed eyes and sheets as we get older. I only know because I walked around with a sheet over my head and my eyes closed for weeks and when I took it off ... my other in law was still there .....
...maybe she was never a kid ...
HAIR: Tribal Soul
SHOES: Stiletto Moody
POSES: Del May
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I love simple sandals that are just one stop short of going barefoot ...
I loved them as a kid .. used to intertwine jewellery and flowers around my feet and pretend I was some kind of exotic dancing girl. It was the start of my love affair with beautiful, cared for feet and pedicures etc ...
It was amazing what you could do with jewellery and a little imagination ....
Just one word of caution .. be careful who you play dancing girl with and never volunteer to jewellery up someone else's feet .. cause I don't know about you but once I got started tying chains around my brothers feet I couldn't help myself and the next thing I knew he was hogtied and in the closet screaming for grandma ...
I really have no idea how that happened ...
But you should make up a better explanation than that because that one was an epic fail....
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
In Australia there is a really popular show where they take couples and put them side by side on this city block and they have to renovate a house each in a really short time.
They have all these competitions and they win money to finish their houses and then they are going to auction them off and see who wins.
Some of them have a little training, some have none, and they can only have help for what they can afford so lots of times they end up doing it mostly themselves .. plumbing, tiling, painting, drywalling, lancscaping .. the whole deal.
I think it is irresponsible for them to show programmes like this.
Because frankly it makes me look at the experts who take three times as long and cost 800X the money and even then don't do as good a job and ask ... what do I need you for?
Now how is this going to help the economy? Economies can only thrive when we are confused, ignorant and feel incapable and helpless. We can't beat inflation unless we are all useless and in need of experts to do stuff for us. I turned the channel back to Super Nanny.
SKIN: Lara Skins
DRESS: Morea Style
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I think my mother in law is trying to set me up. She keeps making up ambiguous tasks for me and then claiming that is not what she meant and then she either cries or calls the police .. sometimes both ....
I had to take her shopping again. I know her memory is going and she forgets she swore she would never go alone with me in a car anywhere again, but damn ...
I even played the home movies I took of the last time we went out and how I left her in the women's sturdy underwear department and how they paged me for hours while she had to sit in the room with the little chairs, crayons and stale cookies waiting for me to come and get her .. but she just ate her popcorn and then said it was time to go.
So this time she wanted to go to the bank and she was standing there for hours at the machine with the line-up forming behind her, people swearing, the usual ..... and then she came back to the car and insisted I roll down the window. She was pointing at the piece of paper in her hand and back at the machine....
"Can you help me check my balance, something is not right."
I thought about it for a moment and realized she was serious .... so I got out of the car .... and pushed her over.
It seemed pretty much the same it has always been ... but I am not a banker ...
SKIN: Adam n' Eve
SHOES: Baby Monkey
POSES: Del May
Monday, August 15, 2011
The morning is painted in a soft gauze of white folded in around the trees, whisps caught and pulled. It is a world cushioned against the light now moving across the sky stretching its golden fingers through the softness, here and there, hinting of a perfect day. Each blade of grass, each leaf etched in silver caught for one spectactlar moment between night and day and slowly the water begins to slip off the leaves.
It is a tranquil Sunday morning, the carolling of the birds fill the air. I sit in the quiet, soaking in every moment, every aspect, every breath of the day. I sip my coffee and smile as the world unfolds out my window … so peaceful .. So beautiful .. So quiet …
And suddenly the air is shattered with "get the hell off me, your breath stinks" as one of the neighbours yells out into the sleepy, quiet Sunday morning …
Reality takes no prisoners, just cattle prods us back to work. Ahhh suburbia in action .. got to love it .. Living the life …
HAIR: W&Y Hair
FLOWERS: Ticky Tacky and Flavor Designs
SHOES: SENTOU YOUSEI
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I tried creative parenting.
You know how there are all these unwritten rules with kids like if you buy them crayons and paper the crayons go on everything else .... except the paper. You can rant and rave about using only the paper but it doesn't work. Marking pens ...for kids they have to go on skin as this is the gateway drug to all things tattoo. Ask any tattooed person and you will find that in their childhood they all wrote with black marking pen on themselves. I think it is the fumes. Albeit the kitties and pretty ladies they drew back then were not as sophisticated .. but that was how it started.
I tried reverse psychology and insisted they not draw on paper but use the walls and themselves only. I ranted, I raved ... I was adamant and then retired to my bedroom high fiving myself for outsmarting them.
Like that was the first and only time they ever listened to anything I said ... damn kids pick the stupidest times to be good.
HAIR: Dernier Cri
LASHES: Wasabi Pills
Saturday, August 13, 2011
I hated playing any games with my brother because he always rewrote the rules in his head as he went. Like if you had to throw something or shoot something and hit a target .. Suddenly whatever he hit WAS the target, was exactly what he as aiming for and was worth oodles more points … and yes he did tell me that earlier but I wasn't listening .. as usual.
I learned to never scream when he beat me up because the rules of grandparents state .. No matter what is going on ... you can ignore it ....unless someone is screaming. For grandparents, if someone is screaming you should proceed immediately to the situation, don't get caught up in the details of who is holding the gun, just punish the screamer. Then you can go back to gumming your biscuits in peace. Like my brother would be on top of me and his hands around my throat and I would be in trouble for making choking sounds.
I finally decided to stop trying to convince the inmates they were all insane and to play by their rules, so one morning, when Biff and I were playing with the bow and arrows, I turned my bow and shot my brother in the ass and then started jumping up and down screaming, "100 POINTS!! WOW I GOT IT!! I WIN!! 100 POINTS!! I" He was screaming … and crying .. and dancing … well kinda …
"And the grandparents came "running" and when they got there later that afternoon they screamed too. I learned that afternoon that the only rule that really mattered was boys were everything and girls .. not so much. They rushed Biff to the hospital where they performed an emergency arrowectomy. Then he had to have plastic surgery because evidently scarred asses keep many men from their chosen careers.
I was not afforded the win and while I was not screaming when the grandparents arrived I did scream later when the inmates where handed back their shoelaces and their belts and released back into the custody of the cows and chickens and prairie wheatlands.
Sometimes it is better to be misunderstood and minus the sore ass.
JEWELLERY: Donna Flora
DRESS: Donna Flora
SHOES: Donna Flora