Sunday, April 8, 2012

Shamaleean Women.


"She's such a sham-a-lee-an."

"A what?"

"A shamaleean woman ... you know the type ... she changes who she is to suit whatever environment that she is or who she is with?"

"Do you mean like a Chameleon?"

"A what???"

"Umm never mind go on .... "

And she did ... and she went on and on and on telling the women around the table all about "Shamaleean women" and how they behave. And she had many other words and phrases that she butchered while we dutifully butchered the chicken in our salad and asked one another to pass the lemon water.


I began to nod with her and told her I understood completely what she meant and wondered how one might get diagnosed as a "Shamaleean" if one suspected one might be one? What were the warning signs? Oh and BTW ... did she do talks or workshops on it because I could not be sure but I was thinking, after hearing her, that we might have a "Shamaleean infestation" in our area.

She gave me a litany of symptoms that came slowly at first and then as she got into it ... flowed from her mouth ... well no that is not exactly right ....they sort of tumbled and spewed ...a combination ... they "spewbled." Some of them were ...

Women who knew the exact same subject as the woman speaking - like "if you are talking about children being potty trained suddenly she has a story about potty training her kids that is almost the same as yours" I am not making this stuff up folks, that was her example.

Women who started dressing like the other women, "so if you wore a blue dress, they would show up with the exact blue dress." I asked her if Bridesmaids were given a pass on this qualifier because you know ... they were asked to dress the same? She had to think about it for a moment.

Women who "order chocolate ice cream with one friend and then they go the next week with a different friend and they order vanilla." This was her example of how women change to impress who they are with.

So a "NON-Shamaleean" is steady and constant and who she is and never ever copies anyone or changes her opinion, ideas, preferences etc.

I wanted to assume the position and turn myself in right then and there. I told her that. She asked me why.

"LOOK AT ME!!! ... YOU have on a pink dress and SO DO I!!"

"Yes, but you didn't know when you came that I was wearing pink ..."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Don't you SEE? THIS is how it starts. I came here in a blue pant suit and since we have been eating, I changed into a Pink dress because I soo wanted to be like you. What is more, ... you ate chicken ... and so did I. You ordered the fruit dish for dessert and SO DID I! I am a SHAMALEEAN WOMAN! I AM SO FREAKING ASHAMED! WHAT DO I DO NOW???


Well it turns out she had to go, and she really did not know how to fix me. She was just a diagnostician. I did hear that she told the organizers that she did not want to be put at a table with me again .... she thinks I may be a bit off balanced.

I sent her a gift certificate to the pet store ... for a chameleon of course. I just refuse to be part of the dumbing down of anything and besides ... I think I owe to women and their luncheons everywhere.

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