Friday, August 31, 2012

How The Prairies Almost Were Bedazzled by The Sparkle Cult.

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When I was growing up (got to love that line. I can picture all my fans getting their blankies out of their desk drawers at work, their milk and cookies and heading over to one computer for story time with Blissy) a lady moved into the area who was from Europe and was considered very Upper Crust.

Before you go getting excited let me explain that upper crust on the prairies could mean simply she had running water back home in the old Budapestarama zone. She had an accent and she wore lots of sparkles. Frankly I think she was probably from Saskatchewan and was just channeling Green Acres', Eva Gabor.

Anyways, everyone was "dahling" (you should have someone in the office hike their nose up in the air, and stand on their chair, pointing their finger down at the rest of you while barely looking down her nose (don't pick someone with a huge nose)- oh and hand them something sparkly. They HAVE to sparkle. YES a fizzy drink will do in a pinch.)

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Well all the ladies were intimidated and all the men were enthralled. (have the men stand up and imitate road kill deers - you know - the ones caught in the headlights right before the suburban plowed through them. Suddenly the women's church group were looking into buying bulk sequins and even the Hutterites bought sparkle paint sets, threw away the velvet picture and painted pics of litte farm animals on their kerchiefs. Everyone was going to the holy church of sparkleville held by Tereza Sharpman wherever she did decide to sparkle herself.

She was perfect. The mosquito's did not bite her, the flies kept their distance, it never rained on her, she could cry without running her make-up and she never got nosebleeds no matter how high she hoisted her own pitard. Everyone wanted to be her. Everyone wanted to sparkle.

The cows had sparkles in their teeth from eating the grass after she walked by.

Finally I could stand it no longer and after the opening hymn in church one day, I stood up on a pew and pulled out a saucepan and a wooden spoon and banged it loudly screaming "ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS." You are not sparkle sheep. Sparkle is a cheap way of blinding people with your outward beauty to the inward ugliness. Tereza Sharpman is no better and no less than any of you. She is just a woman. Please do not be fooled, take off your sparkles and just please be yourself. Look, underneath all that diversion she is just like all of you!!!" And I yanked at her dress which ripped off her .... and there she sat ... in her sparkle barbie underwear .... sparkling ....

I was wrong.

She did not have sturdy underwear like the rest of us.

Tereza moved away. I was blamed. The sparkles eventually wore off and everyone was back to drab denim and flannel. Sometimes I would see some of the women looking at the photographs of them in their sparkle aprons, dabbing at their eyes. They were really hooked. I could not explain to them that not everyone can carry off sparkles and that if you are going to wear them, you should at least shave - if not your armpits then the hairs on your chin would be a start.

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I think if I had waited until I was maybe 5 to make that speech, they might have been more willing to listen to me. I saved the day but I know that my hometown will propably never appreciate it.

I am just a lonely girl wandering through life, waiting for a parade to thank me.


SKIN:  [:ME:] Vanity Tan Skintone (SYSP August)
HAIR:  ::69:: OMNIA 50 - Brown Collection
EYES:  Agnes_Beaute_Eyes_Dearest Mine
LASHES:  **NOYA** VIP-GIFT VAMP eye lashes
TOP:  SAS - Foresi Black Top
PANTS:  SAS - Foresi Pants (Dark)
JEWELLERY:  Ear Candy ~ Bohemian Rhapsody Set in Silver 1
SHOES:  Kalnins Footwear - Digna


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