Monday, November 26, 2012

Dear Men of SL Looking for Love in ALL the Wrong Places (aka your PANTS!)

Dear Men of SL

1. Put your pants on when you go out in public.

2. Look around you, if no-one is naked or having sex, chances are you are not on a sex sim and the women there are not dying to "do you."

3. Put your super duper, foot long, extra hard,deluxe edition "precious" and hud away. If you are worried about not having it handy if you need it ... buy a purse to carry it in. We have layers now. You owe it to all of us to layer your "precious" carefully.

4. If the woman is not naked or kneeling or has in her profile instructions on how to mount her - chances are you should not follow your friend request by humping her leg.

5. Don't begin your romantic discourse with a description of what "precious" looks like. No-one likes to be told what is in the gift box before they unwrap it for themselves.

6. In fact, check your friends list, if the lady you have in your cross hairs is not on your friends list, chances are you will not be "scoring." Contrary to the rumours, a friend request is NOT part of SL foreplay.

7. Lesbians are not your extra hard homework for the weekend. They have their own "precious" in their own purses and do not need you attached to one.  That is what batteries are for. 

8. Don't come crying to us when the best sex you ever had ends up being from 'Tony' who works at the bowling alley. Some of those people at the bowling alley really understand fashion and their avi's have won Ms. Universe.

9. "Mutton dressed like lamb" applies to men as well. Except it should probably be stated more like "Moldy Bread dressed like a Cup Cake." Putting a suit on and taking a girl dancing to Franks before transferring them to your sex dungeon for some "conversation" to get to know her better pretty much strips off the tux without you even having to undo a button. Standing there naked with a talking "precious" and your boots on is just not as exciting for us as it may be for you.

10. Yes the secret on SCD IS about you. Don't worry if some of the details don't exactly apply - sometimes when angry women pound their keyboard that hard they make mistakes. They are ALL about you.

11. Having sex engines in every piece of furniture you own and knowing exactly how to use every one of them is a dead give away. So is typing "Baby you know I can't wait to be with you again, last night was amazing, and as soon as I finish up a couple of 'little jobs' I just have to get done,  I will IM you and we will pick up where we left off ..." into the chat window of the woman you are making out with by 'accident'.  It doesn't matter how spectacular your "precious" is.  "little job" is not on any list anywhere as an acceptable romantic sexual term - but don't take my word for it, go ahead and google it for yourself.

12. You should know that while you are typing "oh oh yes yes ... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh" she is probably doing her nails, or may even be vacuuming in the other room. That is the beauty of sex engines, hop on, give the man the remote and you are free to go and do whatever. (except in cases where someone on one of the bowling lanes has a stuck pin ... See #6.)

13. Cheating on her with her "girlfriend" is a recipe for disaster. THAT girlfriend is probably one of her alts, her mother, or 'Tony.' (see #6)

14. There are actually several "public washrooms" that the women of SL use regularly and post notices about the slime of SL - we call them Plurk and Facebook.

15.  Coming back to the 'woman of your dreams' because you have exhausted all of the women, some men, animals and electronic devices on Second Life and none of them will "do it" with you anymore ... is not "being ready for a commitment."

16.  If all of this seems terribly unfair and insensitive to your needs ... have you considered trading in your male avi for a woman's?  There are a lot of men out there that could probably really appreciate your "talents."  (see #6 - there might be an opening in a bowling alley near you.)

(re-shared from my Intertwingled Blogs by request :) )
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