Friday, January 25, 2013

Craft Time With the Blisster - FIGJAM.


You will need:
1 Walmart Greeter
1Hand held Hair Dryer
1 Petard
1 tube Lipstick
1 pair dark glasses
1 muscle shirt
1 utility belt or extra big bra
1 note pad
1 tv remote control
1 pen, pencil or crayola
1 picture of your big brother
some Smoke
1 Hive with 10 gabazillion Bees
1 roll of Tinfoil
1 Big Marking Pen
1 Hoist
1 Sky Hook

So I know some of you are already asking – how will we make Fig Jam without any Figs? Well FIGJAM is an Aussie gem … get out your handbooks and write this one in – you will not want to miss it. It stands for "F**k I Am Good, Just Ask Me." And today the Blisster is going to show you how to make YOURSELF into one.

Now in Canada we don’t have any FIGJAM’s – just a lot of Tim Horton Donut Boys which look a lot like the Pillsbury doughboys (because yes, most Canadians are THAT white) but with a little bit more trucker’s cleavage going on. These "boys" are also sometimes referred to as "husbands." Canadians are used to losing at everything so we don’t ever claim to be the best … we just are darn nice, and helpful .. and apologetic .. sorry ….

Okay on with the crafting. I get so many letters like this one saying:

“Bliss, you beautiful fashionista you; (because that is just what
EVERYONE says to me for some reason) …

I would like to learn how to be a beautiful fashionista like you
but I just don’t have the money to make my dreams come true… could
you share some tips that someone like me can afford?

Love and kisses and all those other
messy indoor sports,
Sarah Palin

So I decided to share some of my cost saving tips:

1. Apply lipstick, find asses, KISS.
2. Build fire, create smoke, find asses, BLOW in an upward direction.
3. Place Petard on Hoist. Hoist.
4. Place sky hook in nose. Yank. (helpful hint – people in the back row of a theatre MUST be able to count your nose hairs … if they can’t .. you are not high enough .. yank more)

Once you have accomplished the above you are ready for the big move into FIGJAMdom.

Now everyone has been talking about how annoying it is to be so gosh darn important that you don't have time to talk to other people who might see you, not realize WHO you are, and try to be friendly and say something like "hello."  If you had to waste your precious talent saying "hello" back to ALL those people ... you would probably need an oxygen tank, a blood transfusion, steroids, a private surgeon ... or both.  And if that is not enough ... what about the people who want to inspect your shit and try and copy you?  EVERYONE is ALWAYS trying to copy you (insert whine here).  Well inspection shields cost big bikkies and those people will stop at nothing to try and be you.  LOOK!!!  There goes another one of them with boobs, two legs and two arms JUST LIKE YOU!!!

 I have found a great way to prevent that without shelling out the money. AND I learned it in RL.

See I have the same problem in RL that many struggle with in SL.  People are always trying to inspect me, like the border guards, the police …. it is really annoying!  It takes me almost an hour to complain properly about how much of my time is wasted each time one of those hello seeking copiers try to talk to me.  And when I go into say Walmart for example, I have such a problem with people buying the SAME thing I just bought, I could scream.   Can you believe the nerve? I am wearing the clothes, they are MINE!!! Imagine trying to copy me ... wearing the exact same sweat pants, Britney Spears tshirt, and imitation plastic crocs? They even wear the same leopard thong, my little pony training bra, mens tube socks in white AND Barbie’s special smudge proof make-up collection!!! Now you KNOW darn well I bought them first and they are copy-cats.

So I have this special friend at Walmart – Mavis – and she was always there at the front door when I came and giving me a hug and a sticker. She saw everyone copying me and thought it was rude, crude and socially undesirable. I complained to Walmart Labs and they sent everyone else shopping in Walmart, and anyone who was wearing sweat pants in the whole world a DMCB (Don't Motherf******* copy Bliss) and suggested that Mavis should accompany me when I was in the store for my own protection. Well Mavis retired and I hired her on at the same pay she was getting in Walmart because she is sooo worth it.  You just can't buy that kind of experience ... and I also like to shop Kmart and the Canadian SuperStore sometimes and people buy what I buy there too so I needed my very own inspection shielder.

So this is what we did: (crafters start your engines)

First of all find an old Walmart Greeter – these people work for free – you may just have to hug them once in awhile but no matter WHAT they say, DO NOT get conned into thinking they are YOUR special friend – they hug everyone – and give them stickers too …

Have them follow you around, get them a pair of dark glasses, a muscle shirt, and a utility belt or an extra big bra (should depend on the outfit - you want them to accessorize properly as well) to carry all your gear. Tell them to stand with their hands under their arm pits and flex their muscles and make sure they understand it is their job to put themselves between you and the overly friendly copiers at all times.

Take the marking pen and write "radar gun" on the side of the hair dryer. Now point it at people and make weird little star trek dial type noises. Take out your note pad and make notes about everyone. Have a picture of your big brother and tell people he is watching them - this scares the hell out of people even if your brother is nerdy looking. These are all great deterrents and lets people know you mean business, you are very important and definitely a FIGJAM.   If they get upset about the radiation from the gun just look at them and roll your eyes and say something like .... "Oh cry me a liver, why don't ya ..."

Take the roll of tinfoil and roll it out on the floor. Now lay in the tin foil, hold on to the edge and roll and roll until you are completely covered in tinfoil. … this is just in case someone has an inspection shield buster gun for inspecting your inspection gun and being able to inspect you.  Take the marking pen and write on your forehead:

"DON’T SPEAK TO ME. I AM MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH TOOOOOOO IMPORTANT. Pass Mavis a notecard and I will try to get back to you."

Have Mavis hold a sign above your head that says “Universal FIGJAM finalist.” If someone tries to talk to you ... have Mavis point the remote control at them and hit the "mute" button. If they start making sign language, point the remote again and hit "off". If they try and touch you ... well .. hey you are on your own ...

And finally ... have Mavis carry the hive of bees with her and give her a list of people who are allowed near you. If anyone comes near, Mavis should check the list and if they are not on the approved list, she should release the bees. Don’t worry if she makes a mistake – better safe than sorry ... when you are THAT important you just CANNOT let people near you ...

OH and um ... your housecoat is open ... it is 4:00 PM ... and the neighbours can see you through the window....
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