Saturday, November 23, 2013

My Dating Strategy.

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I have always taken things into my own hands and never waited for destiny to find me.

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There is no proof that she even knows how to read a map so I wasn't going to leave it all up to her.

I had the whole dating thing all figured out and for my 13th birthday I begged my grandparents to please please please let me take a course in CPR. They were so proud of me not asking for clothes or jewellery, being all grown-up and asking for something so I could give back to the world. I am telling you ... working the senior crowd is a piece of cake.

I don't think I ever worked harder to pass any course in my life. When I graduated I got a certificate and a name tag and a special little patch thingy to sew onto my jacket. I kept the certificate in my purse and sewed the patch on and wore my name tag with pride. It was the best investment into my dating future I ever made and I am just putting it out there right here and right now ... NOTHING is more valuable and important dating tool than learning how to do CPR.

I would see a hot guy and I never had to wait for all the stupid games or getting to know one another, I just jumped him, threw him to the ground and started French kissing. I figured the tongue would be much more familiar with the mouth and therefore a better tool than a finger to make sure the airway was clear. You know if they weren't that into me ... no problem ... I could just show them the paperwork and tell them it was my professional opinion that they were in a medical crisis and needed CPR.

It also worked for excuses ... "Making out?? Are you kidding me? He climbed into the back seat to save a baby kitten that crawled in there and the next thing I knew he just dropped to the floor of the car and I climbed back here and started immediate CPR. Thank heavens I was here ... LOOK ... he's alive!!! Praise Jesus!!"

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And you know ... for those times when I am too exhausted to do all the work, or I want a man to take charge ... I just walk by a fire station and drop to the ground in front of Mr. July.

I think I am going to write a book.

People would kill for my dating tips.


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