In order to navigate Social Media you have to understand the language. The most basic rule is that EVERYTHING relates back to high school. Here are some examples:
"Hubby is so sweet, he surprised me tonight with roses and took me for dinner and dancing. That's the third time this week."
Hidden message: "I have a husband. A great husband. Screw you people that were so mean to me in high school. Who's the loser now? LOSER!!!"
"My daughter just drooled, is that not the cutest thing ever?" (accompanied with a picture of some kind of a blanket bundle in some kind of a carrier. I guess you might be able to make out a face in there if you have a magnifying glass handy and are good at Photoshop but more importantly the picture is of a kick ass kitchen with every modern appliance known to man. Everyone forgets the baby (because they cannot see the baby) and says things like "OMG is THAT your KITCHEN? WOW!!" to which the poster replies, "Oh, ya ... We are hoping to be able to remake it soon, it is kind of outdated but ya, sorry it is such a mess, I didn't even think of that when I took the pic. LOL!)
Hidden message: "Screw you people that were so mean to me in high school. Look at all this cool shit I have in my incredible kitchen! Look at this expensive baby carrier. Who's the loser now? LOSER!!!"
"Just a random pic of me this morning." (pic with make-up, wind blown hair, sun rays ....)
Hidden message: "Screw you people that were so mean to me in high school. Who's the loser now? LOSER!!!"
Then there are the completely uncharacteristic random post in response to a nothing post. Someone posts a picture of a wedding and somewhere in the drunken crowd dancing the night away, back behind the bride and groom and grandma, is a red haired woman. "Oh, this so reminds me of the other day. I was just saying to the homeless people I was feeding at the soup kitchen today that I really loved watching "I Love Lucy" with my grandma when I was a kid." Always happens after a friend of a friend was on the evening news with a bazillion hits on their post about feeding the homeless people in a soup kitchen.
Hidden Message: "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!! I am not only screwing all you people who were mean to me in high school - you losers, I am doing socially relevant stuff too."
"My son, (insert any boys name here, I will use "Jerkwad" because it is my blog and I think it is a really appropriate name for the boy) won the State Triathlon for the Highest Paid Lawyers of America. We are so proud of him because he stopped in the middle of the race and helped a homeless person he saw lying in a doorway and took him home to his billion dollar home with a kitchen full of the neatest, most expensive gadgets ever. He cleaned him up, gave him some clothes, got him a manicure and a haircut, fed him soup and motivated him with a neat power point presentation to give up alcohol. He then went and finished the face and he STILL managed to come in first. He was so surprised. He said he only went back to complete the race because he is not a quitter and in case there was any of the other racers who might have fallen that he could help carry over the finish line. When they told him he had won, you could have knocked him over with a feather. God sure works in mysterious ways."
Hidden Message: "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!! Screw all you people who were so mean to me in high school. Even my son is better than you now. Who's the loser now? Loser! "
I wonder how many kids have been kicked out of their homes because they have not furthered their actions are not marketable enough on Social Media. Can you trade up for a better model? Can you hire a kid to play the role of your successful Doctor Daughter, married with triplets, mother of the year for the feminists of the world, currently serving as Ambassador of Papua New Guinea? Is there a stock site for children who can impress and amaze?
I can't wait until Facebook offers that as an option to help promote your posts. "Do you want to pay $500 to swap out your existing friends and families, with better looking, more successful people? Do you want all your old pictures deleted and replaced as well?"
The only good thing is it will mean the end of all the high school reunions. Who could even remember all the lies you have told just so you have the most "likes?"
Eat that! Losers!
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