Friday, March 13, 2015

Knit One Purl A Few

fair enough 1

My family tried to put me in a knitting cult once.  I think they thought I needed some direction being as I had knitted a 3.7 mile "scarf" and had failed several interventions to get me to cast off.  They even brought in a local woman's group from some church basement.

They failed too.

fair enough 2

I did appreciate the home baked cookies and tea though and I made some swell friends.  You can never have too many "grandma's" to hang out with.

My family even tried to give me a  "gift certificate" to join a politically motivated women's knitting group at a local college.  I went to the information night.   Well, I use the term "went" rather loosely because I attended with one of the bigger women from the church group who scared me a lot.  She had hairy arms, almost a full mustache and no real definition between her breasts and 3 bellies.  She could probably wrestle a Mac truck and win.  I don't think she had bathed since Jesus left the earth.  I "went" willingly once the cuffs were locked on. 

It was knitting to "reclaim our womanhood." (office staff could sing "We Shall Overcome," while channeling Helen Reddy and "I am Woman")  They showed me pictures of important women like Mother Theresa, Cleopatra, Madam Curie, and Madonna . . . all with knitting needles.  (it was a couple of years before Photoshop but the glue work was damn convincing).    The inference was that knitting was the doorway to greatness. 

I am not sure Madonna was using her knitting needles for slippers or moose sweaters.

I might have been more convinced if they had thrown in some pictures of people like John Kennedy, Einstein or Batman.  Then it would seem like the power was in the knitting, not that women, who were awesome, happened to also knit.  And who knows, those women might have just been holding the needles for some elderly person who lost their teeth and were just out of the picture, on the ground looking for them.  Maybe they did not even know how to use them.  And where was any real evidence of anything they had knitted?  

They had big plans to have us grow our own wool, organically harvest it, and then to knit ourselves a rocket to fly to the moon.  I looked around and realized most of the women there looked exactly like the woman I was attached to, just at different stages in their lives.  Like some of them only had 2 stomachs, and some had bathed in the last decade and some only  had 3 or 4 hairs hanging from their chins.  I was pretty sure their research and the ensuing findings that connected famous women to knitting ... had some serious failings.  As in, it was all crap.

I gnawed off my hand in the cuff and escaped during the tribute to clogging, performed by the knitting groups belly dancers.  It was  accompanied by a woman playing the bagpipes ... at least I think she had a bag pipe ... hard to tell with all those bellies.

My family continually tells me the reason I will never be great is because I was so unwilling to do the very thing  great women were willing to do.  They gave me the chance and I was just too lazy to do the required work or to recognize what an incredible opportunity I had been given.  

I pointed out that it is pretty hard to knit with one hand.

They pointed out people paint with their teeth and that I still had two perfectly healthy feet.   

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I pointed out that they were assholes.  And I cried a lot and spent several years reading motivational cross stitch.  I wandered the streets searching for meaning and some place where my non-knitting failure ass would belong.  I did nose presses at the basement windows of several churches looking at the women's groups and wondering about what might have been.

That's it. 

You can weep now for me.  Or you can bid on a 3.7 mile scarf of lost dreams that I just posted on ebay.  It is soaked in the sweat and tears of a slightly used virgin and lightly crumbed with ancient home made cookies and weak tea.  Tiny pearled little drops of blood can be found in some of the stitches and if you hold it up to the light at just the right angle .... you can see angels.  

It is not even cast off yet.  I left that magic for the buyer.  

SKIN:  Sawode Desire   NLA
EYES:  IKON Kaleido Eyes - Oil
JEWELLERY:  Chop Zuey Crux Invictus
NAILS:  Adoness: Candy Queen Nails: Muffin
BAG:  -David Heather-Bally Bag/Sienna
LEGGINGS:  *Linc* Wool Panty Light Gray
SWEATER DRESS:  =Zenith=(Rose)High neck knit dress
POSES:  Ma Vie

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