Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Ahhh Summer.

saitpwg 1a

Ahhh summer.  Lazing around, trying to look pretty in the heat ... waiting for the summer romance, realizing that unless some wagon train got stuck in a time warp in the mountains, just broke free, and are heading to the prairies, that there is not a chance in hell of any new blood showing up.  Looking at the available farm boys  . . . begging to be allowed to go and visit some distant relative that lives anywhere NOT on the prairies.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

A Whiter Shade of Pale

fusion 4a

Love white.

I think I started my love affair when people started telling me all the rules concerning it. 

You can't wear white past Labour Day.
Never wear white to a wedding unless you are the bride.
Don't wear white to a funeral.
For God's sake change her into play clothes before she ruins her Sunday dress.
You have to wear a slip or something under white, what would happen if it got wet?
Don't wear white if you are trying to look slimmer.

I like things other people pick on.  The heart wants what the heart wants.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

4 Eyes, Bug Eyes.

foxy 1

I had to get glasses when I was in school.  I am not sure why.

I have a theory.  I think my grandparents wanted to make me look more intelligent than I really was.  People tend to overlook insanity when they think it is a by-product of intelligence.   They also frequently sent me to school with boxes of candy to share.  I think they hoped that I might be able to buy some friends.   Pfft forget that ... I ate all the candy myself.

OK I did share them with a boy named Leonard ... only because Leonard showed me this really cool hide out in an old garage down the road from my school and we would go there and hang out and arrange all the old files and tools that were left in there.   Look, don't judge me for my childhood.  It was the most fun ever and yes I am a bit OCD, why do you ask?  When you share that kind of bond with someone, you share your candy.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Locked Out of Life

blew it 1

What was the big deal about staying in a hotel when you went into the city and partied all night.  Anyone make it back to the actual room they rented?  Anyone?

Anyone make it to any room in that hotel?? 

I didn't think so.

Monday, May 18, 2015

It Really Is A Miracle I Am Here to Tell The Tale.

white sands 2

10 speed bikes were a big deal for us.  Prior to that we had bikes like the old 50's and 60's movies.  That is because we grew up in the 50's and 60's.

I never wanted a girls bike ... those were for girls.

I knew how to lift my leg over a bar.  I had skills.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Sunrise. Sunset. Help Me Make It Through The Night.

Sunset 1

I got talked into having this older couple sing at our wedding.  They were significant to my husband.

They were going to sing "Sunrise, Sunset" From Fiddler on the Roof.

The wedding went fine, apart from the flower girl who was doing a mean interpretation of the future in which a half naked woman wearing cones on her breasts and her underpants over her other clothes would prance around a stage in front of millions, "Vogue-ing."  When I whispered to her during the ceremony, asking what she was doing, she informed me she was "being a tree."   Her mother told her she need to stand tall and straight and quiet like a tree.  Being a creative child she was channeling a tree except one in a violent windstorm with a fierce strobe light back lighting everything.   

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Soul Music.

play it again sam 2

In one of the older churches there was this really cool old pump organ that you played by moving your feet in a pedalling motion using your feet.  We snuck in every chance we got and fought over who got to play it.  We became experts at speed playing because we have about 9.5 seconds before an adult would appear and bellow  "WHAT DO YOU KIDS THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Monday, May 11, 2015

If The Suitcase Fits.

ready to go

My brother and I had a bet about whether or not a person could fit in a suitcase.  I told him there was absolutely no way.

I called him a liar.  I told his friends and we all laughed at him. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Solitary Confinement.

flying 3
The light burned out in my closet while my hubby was away  and for two weeks I kept walking into the closet and flipping the switch and experiencing disappointment over and over again.

I didn't plan on being insane.

It just sort of crept up on me.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

The Horned Beast.

redlight 1

There was a lady who went to our church who had a kind of horn thing growing out of her head.  I can't be sure because we were not supposed to stare at her.

You don't stare at people because it is rude.  In church you don't stare because it is rude and unkind and Jesus would never stare.   We were supposed to always ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do?"   Of course he wouldn't stare.  He designed her AND he can see everything.  He knew darn well what she looked like.

I had no clue because every time my eyeballs even looked like they were thinking of scanning anywhere near her direction, I was smacked on the back of the head.  I am lucky I even have any eyeballs left. 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The Big Announcement.


Overdressing is an art.

I had an aunt who pronounced it so.  She was big on both announcements and pronouncements.  I liked to call her "Megaphone Mouth," but only in my head when I was heavily tin-foiled and no-one else could hear.    She announced when she was going to die.  She spent her life like that so starting the afterlife with one big announcement made perfect sense.   She announced what she was doing, what everyone else was supposed to be doing and what was going to happen to those who were not doing what they were supposed to be doing.

sunrise 2

I suppose some people imagined she had some kind of second sight but I caught on early.  She would announce that the ladies sewing circle should be using the crystal punch bowl for the Evening in Paris Dinner as it was much more tasteful and elegant than the silver one Mrs. Eden suggested.  They would have a vote and she would smile through clenched false teeth and thin lipsticked lips that somehow she managed to bend into a semi smile despite the taut well trained muscles that held that part of her face in a permanent scowl,  that, "yes, of course the majority vote has to be considered and silver it was."  But then she would sigh and say she wished the horrible pit in her stomach would go but it wouldn't.  She had a feeling, a really bad feeling ....  Then her one hand would fly to her forehead, the back of the thin gloved claw pressed against a temple and she would say, "I don't know why God burdens me with knowing these things, but he just does."

All the other women  would pretend not to hear her for a couple of reasons.  First they would be busy  getting the silver punch bowl down and shining it up while whispering about ways they might be able to get rid of my aunt, and secondly because they were really stupid.

The evening would come, the silver punch bowl filled with punch, people drank it, and people died.  Well they wish they had died.  The hospital had to annex a circus tent from a traveling show  to accommodate all the people for a few days.

And my aunt smiled a genuine smile - requiring even more muscle control, and accepted offerings from people who assured her they never doubted her for a second.

That was when I learned that anyone could be a psychic or God's messenger if they were prepared to sacrifice others to further their own cause.  Oh ... and had a 1-800 number of course.

So once she announced she was going to die ... and after the cheering and celebration quieted down ...she arrived at her bed, every night, dressed to the nines, full make-up, hair coiffed.   Her hubby was not allowed to touch her or move in the bed in case he "mussed" her up.  She was going to be meeting St. Peter, and later God, and she intended on making a good first impression. 

She was really good at explaining to us that being well dressed was your ticket to the best table in life.   Of course she insisted everyone would want the table with all the other well dressed people.   She was ALWAYS seated at the best table.

sunrise 4

I spent a good portion of my childhood trying to figure out why anyone would want to sit for the whole of eternity  at a whole table full of shallow minded loons like my aunt.

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Friday, May 1, 2015

Another Gore-y Inconvenient Truth.

hip and aware 1

In Canada we like to disguise our poverty.

Take pop, for instance.

hip and aware 2

We drink a lot of it.  And then we throw away the cans and bottles.  But we give money back for the bottles when people hand them in.  Hey don't judge us, we get bored and we have to make games with what we can.

People used to throw bottles and cans  out the windows of their speeding cars along the highways.  They weren't even trying to hit anything, not a gopher to help the farmers, not a buffalo to have food for the winter, and not even a fence post to prove their skill.  They often even missed the ditch.  And the ditches there are very big.  It could have been a great game but we made up for it with the whole Pick-Up-Bottles game that followed.

People would come along and collect the bottles out of the ditch.   The government allowed that because they are very smart and compassionate.  First of all the ditches needed to be cleaned and politicians are way too busy building new, more durable, fences to sit on.  Second of all it costs way more money to  pay people to pick up the garbage, sooo ... you let the poor people do it and give them a few pennies for each bottle.  Then when people drive along, especially the tourists,  instead of going, "oh look, how sad, there is a poor person having to pick bottles out of the ditches in order to have money, what kind of country is this," people say, "oh wow, those/us Canadians we are so swell and 'green conscientious' they/we are out there picking up garbage, even before the rest of the world is screaming green and before Al Gore was out of diapers." 

Ok I confess some people said, "Al who?"

No-one had their dinner ruined by seeing messy ditches or poor people.  The government was sensitive to the fact so many of us Canadians already had tough things to deal with at dinner time ... Like the cost of garbage bags for them to scrape their left over food into.  Especially on holidays.  People had problems scraping enough food to feed half their neighbourhood for 8 weeks into the garbage after Thanksgiving, because everyone said, "better save room for the dessert buffet and not eat anymore of the main meal."  How could you ask them to lift their heads from their dessert buffet to reflect on the sight on poor people bottle picking out of their ditches???

Rich people could feel really swell that they threw their bottles and cans out of the windows because it meant they cared about the poor people out there and were doing their bit.  They felt really swell-er if they drank lots of pop, and some did, they were that committed.

Not to mention the great feeling when your car is not messy because you have empty bottles in it.  I hate that annoying clinking sound when they roll around on the floor and bump into each other when you are driving.

But then it all changed and suddenly there were too many poor people and not enough bottles to go around and there were fights in the ditches in Canada.  It was no longer safe to hang out in roadside ditches because gangs of homeless people banned together and staked their territory, to try and control the recycle trade.

And then there were even more poor people and we were not throwing our bottles out of the windows of our car anymore.  We were keeping them, and putting them in a big box when we got home, that we kept locked safe in the garage and filled with all out bottles and cans and took back ourselves when they got full and kept the money so we could buy more pop.

And all kinds of charities, sent out cute kids to beg us for our pop bottles so they could feed the poor who were too weak from hunger to go to the ditches anymore and needed someone else to try and help them.  We all lied and said we didn't have any bottles to give to the cute little kids and then made sure our own kids buried our bottles in the back yard in the middle of the night when no-one could see so that they were safe until we could take them into the bottle depot.  And we wore disguises when we went to the bottle depots and we trained ourselves not to scream and dance with excitement when we got anything over $15.00 back.

And then the unthinkable happened ... people stopped drinking so much pop.

And then they stopped driving so much.

Then some of them did not even have cars and those that did were probably living in them.

And now they are all sitting around a candle, trying to keep warm in the middle of summer because Al Gore screwed up the whole season thing and nice weather with his Global warming movie and they are hungry and THEY HAVE NO POP!  And now the Canadians are mad at the Americans because they birthed Al Gore and then let him out of the country to damage everyone's weather.

hip and aware 3

But we have nice clean ditches and the air is much better without so many cars.

And some really awesome fences got built for the politicians who got really rich as they sat.

And I think this may be a conspiracy theory and I am sorry if I scared the heck out of you but someone has to talk about pop because we were all supposed to be singing, the whole world .. that is what they promised .. and now this ....

Someone should probably star the heck out of this article and make sure David Icke sees it.

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