Monday, June 8, 2015

Have You Ever Peed In The Ocean?


An article popped up on my internet because that is what the internet has become . . . like an annoying teacher that keeps recommending books for you to read and then finds them for you in the library and wants to discuss them later.  Oh wait, that was my aunt.  She just had that face that you see everywhere, on every annoying woman who knows what is best for you and wants you to appreciate her personal interest in you.  Sometimes she is a half a second older than you but therefore feels much wiser and able to help you, and sometimes she is so old you were born in different centuries.  How she finds a way to make writing on a stone and hunting meat the exact same as being a hippie, loving the world into oblivion, is beyond me. Mostly she is middle aged and your mother loves her and thinks she is an awesome mentor for you because you have gotten a bit out of hand.  That means that you no longer want to wear dresses that match your mother's so you can be an obvious mother daughter set for the town airing of the new summer dresses - otherwise known as - church.


Anyway the article showed up - should we pee in the ocean?

Come on, admit it, it is something you lie awake worrying about.

At least in the ocean there is not a chance in hell that someone put a chemical in that will change the water colour if you do pee, making it obvious to everyone that you have.   That is probably a lie too, brought to us by the same people who produced cow tipping.  Sometimes adults make stuff up to get their desired outcome.  Perhaps they think they have covered the peeing in the ocean problem with the caution that sharks smell urine or blood in the water so it might not be a good thing to do.  But again, zero evidence to back it up.   That happens some times when proving it might require lacing the hungry shark infested ocean with people, some who pee and some who do not and see which group has the most survivors after desert dishes are cleared.  You are not allowed to let the lab people die in front of the whole world.  We keep the lab people hidden from view.  

It is the Christian thing to do.

The Old Wives are probably some of the people having the best time ever in heaven, as they get to see all the stupid things we actually bought into just because they made up some tale and sounded stern when they told it.

But I had to know, is peeing in the ocean good or bad?  Should we or shouldn't we?  Ok I actually wanted to know if I was going to hell for having peed in the ocean.  Yes, I said it.  I have peed in the ocean.  I was just a kid but still, I was toilet trained and understood the concept of where one is supposed to go when one feels the need to urinate.  No excuses.  I have considered turning myself into Green Peace or Bindi Irwin's Wildlife Warriors for years now.  Having the chance to finally know if I was doomed seemed like a real God send.

The article basically said some stuff we deposit is good and some is not.  


What the hell???

The screaming and gnashing of teeth commenced immediately.

Until some lady, with THAT face, showed up and handed me a book entitled, "Real Ladies Use Their Inside Voices At All Times and Never Swear in Church."     

Then she took away my cell phone and handed me a hymnal.

I'm going to pee in her pool this summer.

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