Monday, June 29, 2015

Our Own Little World

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We went through the stage in school where it was cool to wear something that was your boy friends.  One girl had her boyfriend's school jacket, one wore his sweater.   Of course people wore rings and hats and things like that ... my brother settled on wearing  his girlfriends underwear but I am not sure she gave it to him or even knew he wore it.

My sister in law wore my brother's jeans when she was pregnant.  He was a skinny stick.  We all hated her.  She looked like she had a bit of a bloat at 8 months, I looked like a beached whale.   I wore a tent and was happy to get any colour other than canvas brown.  She went from a size 2 - to a 4 and I am not sure how she ever got over the humiliation.  

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When I got married I did like wearing my husbands bath robe.  It was warm and extra big and sometimes it was just handy and easy to throw on when I had to get up before everyone else.  Finding things in the dark so I did not disturb their need to sleep with their next need to eat immediately upon awakening was tough.  As the designated sacrificing adult for the first 80 years of my children's lives, it fell on me to interrupt my  5 minutes of sleep for the night and head to the kitchen and get cooking.

My husband was not amused.  (about the housecoat, he was really good with the whole breakfast and the fact he let me be the adult)  He informed me that if I did not stop wearing his housecoat he would start wearing mine.  He was tired of never being able to find it when he needed it.  He also pointed out his mom had bought it for him, it had his name cross stitched on it and it went with his matching teddy bear.

We all laughed. (NOT at his mom or the bear, because I wanted to live.  If anything happened to me I was pretty sure that the children would never make it past grade school.)  We were laughing at the idea of hubby in my housecoat.

My housecoat was pink and lacy .  Hubby could not carry pink and lacey.  

And then, before you knew it, it was Karma day.  It was a Saturday and I was busy in the kitchen while everyone else slept in, draining every drop of peaceful rest from their long night sleeping before they wouold have to get up and start complaining that the bacon was not crisp enough and their pancake bunny was not as good as the pancakes their friend's mom makes.   I heard the doorbell ring.  I could not just drop everything so it took me a few moments to get to the place where I could wipe my hands and head to the living room.  But then I heard my husbands voice, and I realized he had already got it. 

I headed back to the pancakes and noted that I was wearing hubby's housecoat,  I also noted that the night before I had gathered up all the clothes and taken them downstairs for an early start on laundry.  I was curious.

I snuck out into the living room and hid behind the corner of the bookcase and discovered hubby at the front door, his hair all standing on end, going 87 different directions, and his face in bad need of a shave,  A familiar frilly pink housecoat was pulled up as far as it could go over his muscled arms - about 3/4's of the way up.  The edges of the housecoat ended shy of each nipple on his hairy chest and somehow he managed to pull it together in the middle where the overlap was about 1/10th of an inch.   He had tied it with one of the kids skipping ropes as the sash was probably not much help.  The fact the pink satiny material managed to stay together over the important bits, giving away to a complete gap at his upper thighs is probably irrefutable proof that,  "Yes, Jesus loves you."   

At least I think that is probably what the poor Jehovah Witnesses at the door were thinking.  The two elderly women, were clutching one another, both of them shaking.  One held out a pamphlet and the other was encouraging him to give his life to Jesus.  Hubby said, "Thank you, but no, we have our own religion."

That was it.  Fastest attempted covert door conversion exercise ever.  They left.  Well, technically, they ran.  I could hear one of them trying to get out a word.  It sounded like maybe she was calling "Richard" but she could have just as easily been screaming "retard."  Two men came quickly to their aid.  The stood at the end of our driveway, talking, looking at the house, shaking their heads, and then finally they did some kind of little ceremony that ended with them all bowing their heads, some strange hand signals and then making a fast get away in their car.

We never saw the Jehovah Witnesses at our door ever again.

Wen were on to something.   Every Avon Lady, every encyclopedia salesman, girl guide, kid selling chocolates, . . .  we sent almost naked lacey lady to the door.  We sent him to the candle, jewellery and Tupperware parties.  We were stricken off of every list.   I told him to ask the telemarketers and the bill collectors what they were wearing and to describe what he was wearing ... EVERYONE left us alone.  

You should try this, it really works.  Everyone stopped asking us to do things and we had an awesome life.  Just don't bother wasting your time with Amway .. they sign up everyone.  My hubby came home from that one with a box of soap to help brighten up his housecoat, with the promise it would not damage the lace in anyway.  He was devastated and felt like such a failure.  Once you fail to accomplish your mission in a woman's housecoat, you are pretty much broken.   He felt he had let us all down.

Life had been good at the top but nothing lasts forever.  We had no choice but to rejoin the ranks of the regular people being harassed by everyone for money to buy crap or to join some multi level marketing scheme.  We had to let people try to save us again.   We had to sit back down with the common folk and eat humble pie.

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I gave hubby back his housecoat . . . but the kitchen and breakfast duties went with it.   He took out his frustration on bacon and pancakes.  I put them away in our new Tupperware containers and got the kids ready for church. 

SKIN:  ::[annaA]:: Skin " Liliana " -caramel-
HANDS and FEET:  SLink
HAIR:  ~Tableau Vivant~ Seb hair - Naturals
EYES:  Egozy..Eyes Enigmatic Green
LASHES:  Angel Rock Eyelash
EARRINGS:  Ariskea  { Indies } Earrings Collections - Green
GLASSES:  .tsg. Shy Megane - Gold
BRA TOP:  Tee*fy Mia Mini Halter Tank Top White
SHIRT:  [monso] My Off Shoulder Shirt - White
PANTS:  SD Patchy Pretty leggings
SHOES:  #Queen - Business - dark brown
LOCATION and POSES:  Silent Hearts
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