Last night I couldn't sleep.
I was pretty sure I could hear aliens landing and roaming through the grass on their way to come to our bedroom and get us and take us and do unspeakable scientific experiments.
I have no idea of what aliens landing and roaming through the grass on their way to come to our bedroom to get us and take us and do unspeakable scientific experiments sound like, but I am pretty sure I heard it.
I am also pretty sure this is not the first time they have landed and roamed through grass on their way to our bedroom where they got us for unspeakable scientific experiments, but I have no actual memory. They zap your memories before they return you in case they need to come back some time. They do it so that if you wake up and hear them coming through the grass to get you for experiments, you can't be sure that it is them, and in that moment of ambiguity they have their gateway to controlling your mind and convincing you that you should drink the green kool aid. They don't have gyms in their space ships so they are not really strong and finding dense beings who also are unfamiliar with gyms is a bit of conundrum. They can't bench press that much weight so they rely on your willingness to drink green kool aid. Once you drink the koolaid they can tie a string to your toe before you float off in the air and then they can pull you to their aircraft.
Some of those big balloons in parades are not balloons at all.
They are people who aliens picked up when they landed and roamed through the grass to get someone for their unspeakable scientific experiments. You can tell because their breath smells like green kool aid. You can't argue that the balloon looked like SpongeBob SquarePants, because we all look like SpongeBob SquarePants when we are taken from our beds in the middle of the night by aliens who want to do unspeakable scientific experimentation on us.
Green kool aid is not as bad as it sounds if the alternative is being awake while they take you through the grass back to their space ship and do unspeakable scientific experiments on you. Your mind can really lose it during those times. Mostly you think about how science sucks and you feel really bad for the frogs you dissected back in high school.
I woke up my husband and explained all this to him and he said he didn't hear anything. I still don't see how that is supposed to comfort me when he is practically deaf. I assured them I could hear it. He wanted to know what it sounded like and I told him it was exactly like aliens had landed and were roaming through the grass on their way to our bedroom to get us to do unspeakable scientific experiments. He wanted to know how I could possibly know what that sounded like being as I had never been abducted by aliens before and I reminded him I could have been and just did not remember it.
He said it was the same thing.
I said that he was not being very supportive and got up to book us a session with a marriage counselor. Thank heavens for the internet and online bookings. Buffy's Marriage Counselling Emporium just happened to have a cancellation for the next day.
You know your marriage is in trouble when your husband doesn't seem to care that there are aliens landing and roaming and they are coming to get you to take you away and do unspeakable scientific experiments.
When I got back to the bedroom, the bed was empty.
The aliens had clearly completed the landing, roaming and arriving in our bedroom part of the mission and were in the process of taking him back to do experiments. Unspeakable, scientific, ones. I went to the window and looked out into the darkness and waved. I whispered the only words that seemed suitable at a time like that ..."I told you so."
Then the bathroom door opened and there he was.
He looked normal.
I ran to him and threw my arms around him and told him I forgave him and asked if he was okay. He said he had not been abducted, he had just gone to the bathroom. I knew he was confused, in the way that only someone who had been abducted by aliens could be. There wasn't any missing time. I said they probably time traveled or changed all our clocks or something.
I am crocheting my hubby some bunny slippers. It seems like the right thing to do for alien abduction healing.
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