Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Heart On My Sleeve.

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You  know that old saying about wearing your heart on your sleeve?

What the hell does that even mean?   Everyone knows you have a heart right?  Or they can guess.  A good rule of thumb is that if you are alive, you have a heart in there that works but even if you are dead you still have a heart ... unless you are dead and there is a big gaping hole in your chest.  The first place I would look would be on your sleeve ... it might be there.    

I actually remember going through this as a kid.  By about age 5 I was pretty well convinced that adults were really scary people who were not only ridiculously stupid but they were dangerous.  Who put them in charge anyway??


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My grandmother said it meant you let everyone know your emotions.  Of course her mantra in life, the one she had cross stitched onto her forehead was "Pretend you are a stone."  She actually had me practice being a rag doll.  She told me to pretend I was stuffed with straw and just  lay there, no bones, let my body feel really heavy and say nothing.  I think, I could be wrong, that it was during one of those moments when she might have liked me or a nanosecond  . . . just a little.    I am probably wrong, wishful thinking.  She might have just used the opportunity of having to talk to me to reinforce the family motto . . . "Feel nothing, say nothing, nod your head if you understand."

I failed Family 101.

My heart was on my sleeve.

The saying actually may have come from some Roman thing where the soldiers were better able to maim, torture and kill if they did not have a wife.  Wives are like that . . . just big stones tied around the necks of great men, making their lives hell by cooking, cleaning, having sex, babies, and picking up after their men.  Damn women.   So once a year the Roman soldiers were allowed to choose a woman to have as their "companion" for a year and they printed her name or wore something of hers on their arm.  They could have tattooed it but the men were such babies already, they did not want soldiers crying while they were torturing, maiming, and killing because their arms hurt from the tattoos.   You can see the logic in this .. . . No wives, but a woman for a year was so much better than a wife.  This way the woman could take care of them by cooking, cleaning, having sex, babies and picking up after their men.  THEN the men could kick them to the curb and pick a new woman. 

I highly doubt these men were soldiers as much as they were the precursors for dead beat husbands.  It is probably the science behind old wives cautioning us all not to wear our hearts on our sleeves.  They knew it would lead to lots of time in court and the unleashing of the hounds from hell who work at maintenance enforcement.  Old wives are wise and psychic.  Just look at Jackie Stallone.

Children,  DO NOT grow up wearing your heart on your sleeve!  It ruins the fun game you will love to play with your partner where you have to try and guess what the heck they even want.  Wasting time trying to please other people is a great way to spend decades of your life before you wake up one day miserable and unfulfilled so you'll sign up for a retreat to eat bark and black mung beans mixed with raw sheep yogurt and have a half naked guy with a diaper on and robe made from flax and virgin sheep wool woven by an ancient tribe of peoples in the back hills of Nigeria where they also have a lot of money sitting around in banks waiting for people's personal details so it can be claimed (what are we talking about?  Oh ya ..) who will tell you that you are a repressed unfeeling poop head and you need to loosen up, be real, live in the moment and learn to wear your heart on your sleeve.

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That way people can get to know you.

And they might like you.

Or maybe not.

How will you know if their heart is not on their sleeve?


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