Friday, July 3, 2015

The Rules of Meat.

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According to my husband we need to follow a strict dietary regime.

He decided he was going to do steak for dinner, however we got bogged down in minutia when it was discovered we neither had potatoes or enough salad items left to make a salad.  I suggested that we might go ahead and just, for one night, have chips/french fries with the steak.

No.

Ok I know that in the parallel universe my husband inhabits there is an order to all things that he somehow understands because I suspect, he created the "order."  I say this because I am not sure it makes sense to anyone but himself.  In his world one must have 87 varieties of vegetables with all your meals  AND the biggest amount of vegetables, which must be served at every meal, is carrots. 

I actually love vegetables, even carrots, but after years of 87 vegetables with every meal, including breakfast and any snack you might consider having, I hate carrots.


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So when I get a meal I always eat the veggies first, and then the potato, and then the meat.   I have not had meat in over a decade because by the time I get through the veggies, I am so full I cannot eat the meat.  I am a vegetarian by force.  I am a really resentful, crabby, vegetarian.   

And hubby always says things like, "look I hardly gave you any carrots this time," or "gee I am good to you, I took most of the carrots on my plate."   Everything is relative people, "3 tons of carrots is 3 tons regardless of whether someone has more on their plate or it is less than the 4 tons he normally gives you.  And no matter how many I have, he swears he only used 2 carrots and he is eating one and a half of them. 

If he makes a salad for 2, we have salad leftovers for breakfast lunch and dinner for 8 weeks after that.  If it starts to wilt he just picks those bits out and freshens it up with more.

So when I suggested we, just for once, go crazy and have steak and chips, and I promised him no-one would die if we did not eat vegetables, he looked at me like I had taken leave of my senses.

"What is the big deal?  We have fish and chips  every once in awhile, so this will just be a variation of that . . . Steak and chips."

"No."

"Steak instead of fish, same thing, just swapping out the meat selection."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because fish and chips go with one another, steak and chips do not."

"So there are meat rules about what you can have it with?"

"Yes."

"And who came up with those?"

"What do you mean who came up with those?  Everyone knows that you don't just have steak with chips."

"Wait, if we go to the pub and order a steak, we get steak and chips and a little salad on the side.  I will go  out and pick some grass and put it in bowl with a couple of olives and a maraschino cherry and you can not eat it just like you don't eat the salad sometimes at the pub."

"No."

"Lots of people, all over the world, eat steak and chips!  OK well then, let me make dinner."

"What are you going to make?"

"Steak and Chips."

"No."




We had pasta.

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I am not saying that all men are idiots but I like to tell stories that illustrate the point without having to use the actual words.  


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