Thursday, August 13, 2015

Near Misses, Not Everyone Made It Out Alive.


I had a crush on this guy once who used to say, “she’s all that and a bag of chips.” I never really understood what that meant. I was so desperately trying to get his attention, I rented a hamburger suit and waited for him on the side of his street hoping when he went by he would see me and realize I too was “all that.” I saw his care coming, he came by … and went on … and once I got the mud outta my eyes and made it back to the costume store, I had to buy the suit outright.  It cost me a fortune.  I was walking home in the suit, crying, it was kind of sad.  I  will never forget what he said to me as he drove out of sight that night.  He saud, “HEY HAMBURGER GIRL!! GET THE F**K OUTTA THE WAY!!!”

I don’t think he meant to be unkind, the car did swerve away from hitting me at the last moment.  That is something, right?


I’ve had more than my share of experience with vehicular manslaughter and swerving cars. I have killed birds and gophers, and I wanted to drive over Biff's head lots of times but I learned to just give the medication a chance to work, and the feelings would pass.

I hit a deer once.  Well, I was a passenger in a car that hit a deer.  One of my grown up namby-pamby city cousins was driving at the time. She hit a deer and then got out to look at the damage. The doe was laying in the ditch – obviously broken legged and hurting bad.  She was looking up, blinking at my cousin.  I said we needed to put the deer down and asked her if she had a gun.  She went ballistic and lectured me for some time on the stupidity and inhumanity of guns, guns in the hands of the wrong people (even though I told her she could have handed it to me … problem solved) blah blah.  She ignored me and started rummagin around in her trunk, she only had a tire iron.  "No problem," she told me.  She had a friend who knew all about these kinds of things. All she had to do was hit the deer directly on a "special spot" in between the ears, on top of its head, and it would be gone.  It was the only "humane way" to put the deer down.   I started nodding and reached for the camera thinking this could go viral.  I had no idea what earthly advantage that might provide for me but if other people were lining up and whining about it, I wanted some too.

So she stood over the deer, the deer is looking up at her blinking (think Bambi in all the close-ups, so cute and sad at the same time considering the circumstances …) and my cousin raised the iron above her head and brought it down.  "Tap.”


“Tap, Tap.”

Still nothing.

I suggested that perhaps the one blow the "expert"  was taking about was delivered with either a little more force, or maybe even a sledge hammer.  She growled at me and told me to shut-up.  Her friend knew what he was talking about.  Of course,  he was obviously fresh from the "Harvard School of Deer Downing."

“Tap tap tap tap tappity tap tap tap.


I started walking, marvelling at how much more humane life was without guns,  flagged down a car and had them call Game and Wildlife.   They came, fined her for inhumane treatment of a defenceless animal, and insisted on the name of her friend.  I suggested they use torture to get it from her,  I even volunteered to administer it.   They declined so I waved good-bye and drove off,  leaving her with them.   Hey, I am a responsible citizen and we can’t have people like her running willy nilly all over Canada maiming our deer.

Oh, they shot the deer.

I was involved in another near vehicular manslaughter this very morning,   this time my own!!! Don’t ever pay attention to your dreams. They suck.  Like last night I dreamt about our neighbour which is kind of disturbing in itself 'cause he hates us.  I could be overstating it.  I am not sure if someone, in using their whipper-snipper, purposefully shoots rocks at your hubby’s head . . .  could that be dislike?  In the dream I was being urged to forget about all the times he was caught peeping in our windows, and all the stupid things he said about us in the neighbourhood, and that his cat was always in our yard, and that he drove over all our young trees.  I was being urged to "make nice."

BUT, the problem is we have tried and he refuses as I think God designated us the “10 year volunteers” for all his angst.   That is where you try to make sense of insanity and you can't so you pretend God has some plan that makes sense out of everything.  So, in the dream this phone call came and this Maharaja sounding voice told me to share my “birth date” with him and the details around it because it was cool and he would like that kind of thing and it would bond us, build a bridge and we would be friends.   (hey you don't argue with a Maharaja sounding voice that comes to you in dreamland.  It coulda been that Ghandular guy calling for crying out loud ...)

So this morning, I barely got my cup of coffee underway when I saw the neighbour driving off.   Out I ran, still naked except for my "transformer" underwear and an old bathrobe, screaming down the street after their car. 

“It’s May.  TUESDAY,  MAY 12th, 1995!!” (oh stop it of course I am not telling YOU my real birth date, this is literary license and I have 3)

Nothing happened.  The car kept driving.  As I sat there picking gravel from my teeth I remembered more of the details.  I cut through a couple yards and caught up to them on the main road. 

“Mom was 23 hours in labour, she tore like crazy, 23 stitches!  Isn’t that an interesting coincidental detail?  It's cool right???  Don’t you like that kind of thing?? WHAT ABOUT WHAT THE MAHARAJA SAID??????””

That’s when the car stopped, turned around and headed back straight for me. 


Luckily I leapt out of the way at the last moment into my other neighbour’s garbage cans.  I tried to explain to the police later about the dream and all that,  but you know how when you dream and it all seems incredibly profound but then you try and explain it to someone and it just sounds stupid?? Um ya.

So that is kinda how I felt.  I am going now.  Talk later, OK?

(note to self:  talk to therapist about possible overshare ...) 

SKIN:   ryuukou aine cognac
HAIR:  *booN BUT389 hair black/chocolate/purple
EYES:  Egozy..Eyes Intense Collection
LASHES:  ATIA's Whisper Lashes
JEWELLERY:  BRACELET:  *{Junbug}* Antique Cuff [Rose Gold + Black Diamond]
                       NECKLACE:  (Yummy) Snowflake Crystal Necklace - Gold
                       RING:  Ariskea  [Trance] Ring Collections Silver & Gold
DRESS:  =Zenith=(Begie/Lace) Peplum Dress
PURSE:  BEPPIN! Co-Co Lee Clutch  Asiana  After Spring
POSES:    Morgana Batista
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