Sunday, September 27, 2015

Don't Try This At Home.


Don't try to run away with a baby animal.

It may look cute in real life and everyone is going "aww" around the computer, but it sucks big time.

First of all they have no sense of the "are we there yet" part of travel, that helps to remind everyone that people need to stop and go to the bathroom.  Animals don't stop when they bathroom.  They can't tell you.  They don't hold on for 5 more minutes.  They just go. 

They don't understand "share" or   "make last."  They just understand "eat now," "eat it all," and "I am a fawn, I can kick you to death and hoof that donut right out of your mouth."


They always back wash into your drink.

You can carry a bunny, a kitty, and even a small dog if they are tired.   Not so easy to carry a deer, a cow or a polar bear.  They will not return the favour and carry you when you are tired.  They will jump on you or even leave you and go off and have fawn fun without you.  If someone pets them and feeds them, they won't give you a nano thought  as they chow down, nor will they confess they have already eaten when they return and you are eating the last of your granola bar.  They will probably complain that the half you gave them is not as big as yours.

They have big eyes that blink and make you feel like a horrible human being for wanting to sleep on the blanket when they have to sleep on the ground. 

They don't do "share. " They also are not impacted by your sad eyes, no matter how often you blink them.

They don't actually talk like in the Disney movies, neither do they have lots of other animal friends that they can call on when you are in trouble.  They pretty much stand there and watch while you get beat up, or they see whether anyone else in the car has food or can be turned with big blinking eyes.

They grow up and attract a lot of attention.  The PETA people show up because someone complains that you are making a deer sleep in the park at night with just one crocheted blanket that barely covers them.  You end up being arrested.  The deer gets taken to a fabulous home for deer with constant deer buffets set out, fluffy warm deer bathrobes and slippers, and lots of other deer friends to hang out with.  Disney comes by and does a movie on them as this amazing deer that survived being kidnapped by a psychopath human being who held them captive in a park for months with hardly any food and just a crappy crocheted blanket to keep them warm at night.  It is a story of survival and everyone weeps for the deer and sends money and wants their picture taken with it.  The deer becomes a millionaire.  


You get sent back home, which is worse than jail.  Everyone hates you even more and you have to explain what happened to grandma's blanket and what all the stains on it are about.     Then you are banned from all baby animals and are put on a PETA watch list and Facebook kicks you off because if you can't post pics of baby animals ... what point is there to your life???

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