Tuesday, December 8, 2015

My Long and Fruitful Life as the Canadian Snow Queen.


As much as I like the idea of the gauzy nakedness usually associated with fairies and queens of the warmer months, winter had a kind of intense appeal to me. 

It was probably just rays of practical logic, systematically bursting my childlike imaginative enthusiasm, letting me know that naked was probably never going to be my forte and that being as summer is like a nanosecond on the yearly timeline of programmed seasons for my life, snow was a much more practical choice.  Failing in any required area for a fairy queen was pretty much going to put me out of the running.  It was like being a skater.  No matter how great your spins are, or your triple toe loops, if you can't nail the salchow, you are never going to make the Olympic podium.   One has to be able to carry a crown on top of your head without it falling off, and anyone who can fly, pretty much is guaranteed a fairy queendom.  Oh, and if your butt crack has a tendency to eat the lace ... forget even making the top ten.  Skaters butts must be able to carry off lace. 


So I sold myself on being a snow queen/fairy.  I convinced myself I strongly disliked the "commonness" of the  dainty little winged pink frothy bits of fluffy frou frous that floated in and out of the beautiful gardens of make believe.  Pfft who wanted to be a lame regular fairy queen anyway?  With all those beautiful dresses and lace and tulle . . . all those handsome princes vying for their hands . . . all those Disney Movies being made about you ....not me ... that's for darn sure.

I wanted to be a cloaked, heavy tapestried snow queen with a dead tree on my head.  Forget soft pastel roses and babies breath . . . I wanted sturdy brown dried seed pods to dangle off the dead twigs.  Forget cute little song birds.  I wanted the only birds stupid enough to stick around through the freezing winter . . . big thick "cawing" crows to bring their dead carrion while they nested in my hair.   I wanted to be mistaken for a moose in heat, and be challenged with a head butting contest to the death, every time I pranced too close to the moose neighbourhood out in the forest.

I wanted a dead rabbit to stick my hands in to keep them warm.

Yup, nothing like this time of the year to bring back that nostalgia of childhood and all that magic.  Nothing like those moments to really clearly focus the spotlight on what a complete loser you really were.  And then you are reminded that you completely tanked at the 1968 Snow Queen Curl-o-Rama.  Despite spending weeks gathering dead twigs and rabbits and unpicking old farm truck upholstery and sewing it into a long flowing gown that didn't flow as much as it just collected every snowflake it came into contact with and tried to weigh you down so much that if you fell through the ice you would go straight to the bottom of the lake where you could perhaps consider a career as a mermaid or a really hideous piece of coral, you lost to a 98 year old ringer someone flew in from a Saskatchewan Nursing home.   She crocheted snow into Christmas ornaments while she played her accordion and sang "Winter is for Dying," an original song she wrote originally for the bagpipes.  What chance did you even have?

Could life be any more cruel?  

It took my childhood dreams and smacked me upside the head with a frozen reality.  I was not a fairy queen.  I was not a snow queen.  I was a no queen.  Forever and ever.  No.  Queen.  

Let the weeping begin.

I would like to tell you that I was a good sport and at least won Miss Congeniality but I can't.  I tried to euthanize the woman because if she was unable to fulfill her role for any reason, I would have had to take her place.  I wanted her damn place.  

Turns out all the bagpipe playing gives you amazing lung capacity and it is not as easy to smother a feeble woman in her bed as you might think.

And I would like to tell you that I learned something, or that I overcame that pettiness, or that I grew up ... I would even settle on being able to show you a picture of a fluffy kitty doing something cute.  But I can't.  I am really depressed now.  I am sick of people doing stuff just to rub my nose in all the crap I sucked at.  I am going to cry now.  I hope you are all happy.


Fucking snow queens.  Who needs them anyway?

SKIN:  .::WoW Skins::. 2016 Ilenia Bronze @Christmas on The Fair
HAIR:  Vanity Hair::Winehouse @Winter Trend
EYES:  .ARISE. Nona Eyes / LightBlue @Winter Trend
LASHES:  ATIA's Whisper Lashes
MAKE-UP:  Nuuna lizzi white
                                 make-up V7 Lip stripe
                                 Ina White
                     Natural Beauty   Set 10 Make-up 18          
DRESS:  Paisley Daisy - Solely Elegance Angel Blushing Gown @Swank Events
HEAD PIECE:  Pulse Frost headpiece @Premium Only Event
POSES:  Morgane Batista
LOCATION:  Ayla Zhoy's home so graciously offered and shared
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