Monday, August 31, 2015

The Good Old Days When Chimps Were Cute.

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I have been a bit under the weather, sick in bed, crying, wanting my mommy  . . . and icecream.

I got lots of time alone and a stuffed monkey.

Oh . . . . and lots of yucky medicine.   We can do all kinds of anything but putting cough medicine into some form that does not taste like paint thinner ... peach paint thinner that burns your throat, your chest, your nostrils  and holes in your pillow case ... completely out of our reach.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Balancing the Scales of Life.

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I showed up at the local swap meet with my hubby and kids and asked where I could set up my booth.

I had good spot, it would get lots of traffic and with the right visual aids, I was thinking, we could really cash in and make some of our long overdue dreams come true.  I think it is so important for families to have projects that they work on together.

Hubby helped me get everything set up and when we were done we had the kids line up, each with their own unique sign.  We urged them to do their best. They were really going to have to sell sell sell. We told them we loved them and knew they could do it.  I gave them some stickers with catchy phrases and the website addy for motivational and inspirational posters.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

A Disciplined Life.

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I was talking to my children one day about punishment and they asked me how come only children have the naughty chair and are made to sit over in a corner.  They pointed out that grandma misbehaves sometimes.  I told them that it was because you have to sit one minute for every year of their age so a 4 year old sits 4  minutes - a 7 year old 7 minutes.  I suggested that if they made grandma sit in the corner for her age she could be gone for days and then I said that some older people probably died while they were sitting on the naughty chair and went undiscovered for days.   THIS was why children should learn their lessons while they were young.

I caught them the next day examining some stains on their "naughty chair" on account of it was a hand me down.   They wanted to know what kind of stains dead people make.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Mighty Jump Suit

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Ok jump suits, great idea!  You put them on, they look great.  No need to worry about anything needed to be tucked or retucked.  Long clean lines.  Boyfriend is like "wow."

One small problem.

Doing anything other than standing there looking fantastic.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A Perfect Field Flower.

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One of the big adjustments to coming to Australia has been to understand the whole racing/gambling culture.   In addition to it being a big part of their life, the costuming that goes along with the activities is highly entertaining.  Perhaps the only day people dress up fancier than for their own wedding, is race day.

I love all the permeations of "fashion" that show up.  Unlike some women who feel the need to hand out permission slips for what others are allowed to wear, I love seeing women wear whatever they choose, regardless of what society deems appropriate for their body type - especially younger women.  If you are not allowed to celebrate your sense of self as a teenager - when exactly does that kick in?  I don't care if they are too heavy, too thin, not enough breast, not enough class, etc etc to wear THAT dress.  I say go for it.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

It's That Time of The Year Again.

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School shopping with your grandparents is probably every kid's nightmare. It is bad enough just being a farm kid. Parents are thinking, how can we provide serviceable farm clothes, good for the combine image in the fall? They consider things like,” how can we get more flannel items?”  They do this because once they are worn out, they make great rags. These are not good considerations for the conscious savvy teen wanting to look cool. Hence most of the guys wore lee jeans, a belt, runners, and a tee shirt. On spiffy days their shirt had buttons. Whoot, talk about having to hose down the girls.

If your local, near-by town(80 kms away)had more than 8 people in it then you probably had a hardware store. Wow,  amidst the mice traps, rose dust, hammers and chipped blue daisy tea set, they brought in “clothes’” Fashion stores have a buyer for their fall collections.  Hardware stores pay the guys who pick up the bottles in the ditches, to pick up the clothes they find, wash them up, press them, pin on a handwritten $9.99 sign and voila … instant fashion for the farm.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Hot Pants Are A Gateway Drug for All Things Sin.

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I think hot pants were the final straw that broke my grandparents back in the seventies.  We were pretty much heading toward complete nudity - we had burned our bras, people were going commando, we did not want to wash or comb our hair, our skirts kept getting shorter and shorter and the bathing suits were pretty much three threads on a string.  You could put a hat on and white gloves for church, but let's face it, we were all lost causes of the hippie culture.

And please note - despite some similarities between our dress and the patterns and styles used by the Hutterites ....we were trying for Hippie.  Don't be trashing farm folk.

I tried to dress fashionably but it is hard to carry off hot pants, which almost always included tall high heeled boots, around the barn yard.  

I remember the "talk" my grandmother decided to have with me.

Friday, August 14, 2015

The Grid Monitor Reports - Second Life Infractions Worthy of Getting Upset About - The Unsafe House.


Have you ever laid awake at night worrying about whether Second Life is Safe for all of us?  Worrying about whether everyone knows if what they are doing is good enough for you?  Worrying about what you think?  I do.  I worry that you are worried about what I am worried about.  So I decided to do the humane thing and put you all out of your worry. 

You can send me gifts to thank me.  It is entirely appropriate.  Entirely.


Here is a random house I scoped out.  I don't know who it belongs to and no idea who the designer is.  I realize that there will be those among you who will immediately figure all that out and because you are deeply concerned about these people you probably have never spoken to, but I am sure are worth sucking up to, you will run and tell them.  You should know I have protective gear on and am completely vaselined.   I am ready for the tar and feathering for those who cannot control that primal instinct within them.  I would tell you I mean no offense and that it is purely for my amusement and if any of you take this seriously you need to get on the bus parked on the corner that is taking everyone who needs one, to Walmart later for the big "sense of humour" sale this weekend.  The target of my criticism is nowhere near as important as the sentiments I am trying to stir.  Think of me like a fluffer.  I will get you all riled up and then you can unleash yourself on the personal people you were going to unleash on anyway.  You name names and go for the specific jugular and I will do the nondiscriminatory fluffing.

LOOK AT THIS KITCHEN!!  Are you kidding me?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Near Misses, Not Everyone Made It Out Alive.

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I had a crush on this guy once who used to say, “she’s all that and a bag of chips.” I never really understood what that meant. I was so desperately trying to get his attention, I rented a hamburger suit and waited for him on the side of his street hoping when he went by he would see me and realize I too was “all that.” I saw his care coming, he came by … and went on … and once I got the mud outta my eyes and made it back to the costume store, I had to buy the suit outright.  It cost me a fortune.  I was walking home in the suit, crying, it was kind of sad.  I  will never forget what he said to me as he drove out of sight that night.  He saud, “HEY HAMBURGER GIRL!! GET THE F**K OUTTA THE WAY!!!”

I don’t think he meant to be unkind, the car did swerve away from hitting me at the last moment.  That is something, right?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I Think I Had A Paranormal Experience Today

tiptoe through the canaries

I had my annual eye check up.  They told me to take a seat around the corner but when I tried to take it out of the store they got all bent out of shape.   Evidently they wanted me to go and sit down around the corner; I have no idea why they did not just say that.

I never do what I am told.  Sorry, once you make a habit of something, it is hard to break even if you want to.  I don't want to, so talking to me is useless.  My grandparents finally gave up and moved while I was away one weekend.  It worked out well.  They stopped trying to tell me what to do and I was no longer annoyed.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

If You Chance to See a Frown

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"If You Chance to See a Frown, do not let it stay
Quickly turn it upside down and smile that frown away."

My grandmother was always singing me little songs with messages and hidden meanings.   I think she attended a parenting school where she majored in, "Sing it to them and they will have the lesson for life."

I am reporting back after my experience with the brainwashing that failed.

I did not learn the lesson.  I learned that I hated rhymey, singsongy, myopic tunes with words attached that a grownup lacked the ability to speak, plainly and simply.   In this case, "stop frowning," would have covered it all, kept people's sanity, and may have put off therapy and the final outcome where I hated my parents.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Chick Chick Chick.

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Never fully understood why the term "don't be chicken" was used to suggest that someone was afraid to do something.   I doubt a farmer ever came up with it.  In fact, most of the sayings about farm animals show ignorance about the animals they are referring to. 

Sheep really are not "fluffy."  Think really curly hair, never combed, wandering through the fields and the dirt for months and then having to shave it all off.  Pigs are not "big fat pigs" that we imply when we label someone overweight who just sits around and eats.  Pigs are vicious.  There is a reason serial killers dispose of bodies in the pig pen . . . nothing left of a body once a pig gets to it.  No way  to prove they were ever there.  And if you think pigs will eat anything, ever been around goats?  And all that dancing and playing with goats is cute until they decide that they need to move you out of the way.  A goat head, racing towards you at 50 km an hour, that connects with your hip .... painful.  

Monday, August 3, 2015

Leather Speaks If You Are Really Quiet and The Wind Is Blowing.

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Leather - how smexy is it? 

I wore it mainly to say, "in your face, bovine people, I am skipping the milk and running off to the city trading in the denim and the wheat in my teeth, for a life."  That's what the city is all about right?   And you get there with leather .. tight leather ... smexy leather.

Of course, it was not that simple.  There were tiny details, like sending myself to school, scolding me when I did not get an A (ok I lied that never happened but only because I was really hard on myself) and making sure I got enough sleep and ate well.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Those Little Keepsake Moments.

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Hubby informed me he had to go to the gym the other  morning because "he couldn't stand around doing nothing."

Oh no problem, you go.  I mean I actually thought we were talking but I guess if you consider that nothing."

"You know what I mean, I can't just stand still in one place or my back starts hurting."