Friday, August 19, 2016

Pretty Much Like Albino Garden Gnomes.


Some women worry that they might not look as good as everyone else. 

They spend hours buying the right dress and primping and preening before the mirror. They have been waxed and shellacked, kneaded and sculpted, cut and dried, fluffed and puffed, lipsticked and powdered ....

Really when you think about it ... how you look is really about the paint job. We women are like those tacky lawn gnomes all white and plain - handed out to be painted in senior ceramics 101.  We are undecorated Christmas trees, we are cakes without frosting . . .  until our Avon order comes in.  Then we can be anyone … especially if we have You Tube and we watch some prepubescent boy show us how to do it.  Today I am a Meerkat.   (It is all in the strokes you use on the eyebrows and then contour the nose).


Women get all painted and then we ask the guy who is in jeans and a t-shirt, who we have to cattle prod to get to do the lawn, who thinks as long as a Christmas tree has shiny stuff thrown at it and 5000+ Christmas lights, it is awesome.  He is the guy who thinks beans and franks WITH beer is a gourmet meal.  We want HIS opinion on how we look.  And worse, we let his opinion upset us.  If he says we look awful we hate him and if he says we look good we say he is just telling us that because he loves us.  He hate him … and then we cry. 

And then we go and change everything.  We strip back down to Garden Gnome Albinodom and begin again. 

I have given up all of that now.  I just close my eyes, walk into my closet and get dressed. I figure I have a one in three chance of looking great. And if not, I will either embarrass the heck out of the kids OR maybe someone might share the loose change from their pocket. 

As you get older people don't judge you quite as harshly and when you are old and look like a poorly painted Garden Gnome they feel sorry for you and they move you to the front of the buffet lines!!  You know, "Oh look!  There is an old lady.  AND, she looks strange.  Is that a dress or did she forget her clothes?  We should help her.  I know, let's take her to the front of the buffet line.  She looks like she could use a bun."

It's a win win win situation and I save on tons of stress.  I also always get to the crab legs first.  I take them all.  Not that I am going to eat them all, I just like people to stand there and watch me with their mouth open.  They might try and wrestle a skinny Asian lady for the legs but not an older lady who looks like a Garden Gnome.  They just look at me and mutter under their breath.


I learn new swear words and it makes me feel powerful.  I hold crab legs in both hands, a couple in my mouth, a few between my knees . . . and I smile.

I don't even look at an Avon catalogue anymore.  I am embracing my Garden Gnome-ness.

SKIN:  New Faces - Brittany  [Summer]
HAIR:  ! Sugarsmack !  : Rian
EYES:  Aphotic Gloom Aquilius Ajardo Green
MAKE-UP:  ME Audrey Lips with Teeth
DRESS:  B E N D E R  I Carny Dress Flower Power orange
BRACELET:  Loordes of London-The Serville War-#11
NECKLACE:  FP You're a Star Necklace Gold/Pink
GLASSES:  AsHmOoT_Acc Coll_Nerd Glasse
STOCKINGS:  GATO- Most Basic Stockings Rare
BAG:  AsHmOoT_Acc Coll_Fringed Bag
BOOTS:  [ hoorenbeek ] Mesh Military Boots - Burgundy
Poses:  PoseSion
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