Friday, September 23, 2016

I Have No Choice.


I could see a pet bat. 

I would like to accidently let it out and I would sit in a lawn chair moved over right to the edge of the property line, with my "Music to Clog By" turned up full blast.  I would eat chocolates and sip champagne and watch the neighbours try to run away from it, batting at it with their hands and screaming.  Then, when it would finally latch onto one of their necks I would look up and try to call it home.  I would say  "Murgenheimer  Muuuuurgenheeeeeiiiiimer.  Come here Murgeheimer.  Stop bothering the neighbours now."   But of course, my bat would not come. 

Partly because I would have trained it to ignore me but mainly because it's name would not be "Mergenheimer."


Everyone knows I would name it "Fluffy."

Even when the neighbours would scream at me and ask me what the hell I was thinking, couldn't I see my bat was loose, I would tell them of course.   I was just letting him have a little fly before dinner.  And I would smile and giggle and mention to them that they had a little blood on their collar.

I would let Fluffuy eat all the mulberries and then train him to leave bat guano all over the side of their walls.

I am not sure if bats can talk, but mine would.  I would teach it to scream and wail and that every time I moved it should go and open the window in my office , turn on the megaphone, and wail and scream.

It would also be able to bark at everything that moved in the night.

I wonder if a bat can be taught to hump everything that moves?

I would have to teach it how to pick up random toys and shoes from the neighbour's yard.  Then I would teach it how to use the meat cleaver and scissors, to chew everything up and break it.

I think this would be the beginning of heavy duty bonding between the neighbours and us and I could cancel my subscription to all those gun magazines.  Derek says I should not really be carrying the scissors and the deboning knife in my belt the way I do.  I might not be able to get on a plane.

I have barely any teeth left, and two of them broke from clenching my jaw so tight, trying to keep myself from saying anything.  That is not good for your health you know.  I could die from clenched jaw.  

I would like to be younger and be able to just say, "F**K Off, take care of your damn dog and keep him out of our yard," to them but I am not.  I lay awake at night worrying about what our house will look like when we get back from our 3 weeks away as it is.  Imagine if they were really angry with us?

So now I spend my afternoons with hand towels stuffed in my ears, tied on with an old pair of pantyhose - to stop me from hearing the barking and going insane.  I spend the evening shopping online for new shoes because their dog has taken one of almost every pair from off our private back porch.  I spend the mornings baking cookies to take to them.


If people really like you, they are not as likely to allow their dog and their children to destroy your home right?

Please GOD tell me that is true and that there is hope.

Otherwise, I am getting a herd of bats.

SKIN:  Essences - Hope *medium01* black
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