Queensland has a butterfly swarm going on right now. Millions of butterflies are in the skies as those from further west are heading our way in search of food.
Every time I step outside it literally feels like I am stuck in one of those over the top, entitlement obsessed weddings where the bride and groom are not allowed to move without there being an entourage of people to move the dress, a harp and stringed instruments to background the whole thing, and butterflies or doves being released.
One could argue that a swarm of millions of butterflies is much nicer than a swarm of bees. I would argue that at least with a swarm of bees death is a real possibility. This has been going on for days. I constantly have people telling me there is something in my teeth and I have to remove a butterfly wing or even a leg or arm …
Butterflies like bright shiny things - like those teeth you paid thousands of dollars for so they would be bright and shiny. Is it wrong to envy people with dentures? You can always put them in your pocket until the swarming is over.
I lie in my pool and look up and there are layers upon layers of butterflies going up forever in the sky. I worry about things like, what if they all suddenly forget how to fly and come hurtling down on me? I could drown in butterflies. And what if some of them aren't dead when they hit me and are still squirming around …. ewww …. pretty does not take away the ewww factor of far too many legs and things trying to crawl up on the life raft named me, to save themselves from drowning.
Real life is not like the movies. In the movies, the beautiful princess (currently being played by "me" in this real life version) would be swirling and dancing and suddenly the air would be alive with sparkling, twinkling butterflies and it would all be for her and so pretty and magical. In real life, I have a couple of butterflies lodged up my nose because I tried to walk three steps out my back door and I was afraid I might not be able to breathe so I turned too quickly. Imagine if I had done a full swirl? I would be dead. There was no twinkling and sparkling going on. I swear I could hear the butterflies mocking me.
I ran for the house, ripped open the fridge door and grabbed my epi pen and stabbed my thigh with it. I don't know that I am allergic to butterflies and I don't really care, I just wanted to go to sleep while they tried to pull those things out of my nose.
The local newspaper is all excited at the opportunities for people to snap some awesome pics. They want us to "send them in" so we can have a fun competition and see everyone's talent. Butterfly pictures are nice … as a "one of." After day 10 it is like, "here is a picture of a butterfly on a flower," … "oh look, and here is another one of a butterfly on a flower" … "but hey, look at this one … it's a butterfly … on a flower." I had a pile of dead butterflies forked that I took a picture of and wanted to send in but hubby said that was not in keeping with the "spirit" of the local paper. I would like to jam a couple butterflies up their nose and see how pretty they think they are then. As I said … bees, death … definitely a better scenario.
I was getting desperate.
I put out the candles that are meant to repel mosquitoes, then I added the designer aroma candles from the good drawer. I was saving those for a special day - probably when I died and someone else finally opened the drawer and found rancid designer candles and threw them out. That is special, right? Then I added some twigs that had fallen from the tree. I was on a mission. I figured I could explain to hubby later why we no longer had a coffee table or the book case in the office. Butterflies like shiny things. They dance in the light. Fire makes light. The bigger the fire, the more light, the more tragic butterfly deaths. I was running around the yard screaming to them to just head to the light.
I got some tickets from the local council for excessive noise, creating terror and for having a fire without a license. I think I raised the heat in our yard from 38 to 380. I damaged all the flowers, grass and trees but hey, you will be happy to know … the butterflies are fine … still swarming …
And now they are mating. Butterfly sex … everywhere.
Before everyone cries me a river about how delicate and beautiful butterflies are, may I point out that every fluttering little delicate butterfly was once a fat, wiggly, icky caterpillar and now they are flying … all over the sky and having sex and there is no one child policy for butterflies so come next year we are going to be drowning in caterpillars. I am sorry … no amount of pretty can erase that picture from my mind.
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