Saturday, January 14, 2017

My Hubby Is The Girl I Always Wanted To Be.

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I suck at packing suitcases.  I try hard.  I do.  I think about what I need to take and I lay everything out.  I really get it down to bare essentials but then I start to think about the things we are going to be doing and I add a thing or two … and another . . . and suddenly there are tons of things. 

I fold them nicely and put it all in my suitcase.  Everything is relative . . . in  a vacuum.  I create a nice vacuum of me, my clothes, and my suitcases.  And then my hubby shows up with his clothes, his suitcase and ruins it all.  Hard to be proud of my efforts - 8 suitcases, almost all my clothes and colour co-ordinated within their purpose designations - when he is standing there, gloating.  One suitcase, everything he needs, room for more.  I hate him.

I would like to be that person.  I look at all those Pinterest posts on nifty ways to pack for a holiday and I visualize me, picking 6 colour co-ordinated,multi-purposefull, non-creasing items, into my carry-on, having the most fab holiday ever.  I have always wanted to be THAT girl.  But, I am not and what really hurts … my husband is.

So I admit defeat, throw my things all out and let him pack them  Surprise!  He does it way better.

I hate that, even more.

I am not good at admitting defeat.

So I throw them all out again, berating myself over having betrayed women everywhere and re-repack everything, just to prove that HOW a suitcase is packed, is irrelevant.  There are much more important things in the world - like being able to read a map and knowing when to ask for help.  I might not save my marriage, but by golly, I will save womankind.  And I did it  -  packed and zipped up my suitcases, I mean - not the saving woman thing.  It might take years for them to tally the votes and make that award. 

Don't judge me.  I need to feel self-sufficient.  Oh, and please vote for me on the woman award page.

You know all those questions you get asked at the airport?  They aren't the same like when you go to court and swear on the bible, are they?  I mean I know I did not see any bible anywhere, and I stood in line for a really long time.  I can't be prosecuted like in court, can I?  Without a bible, what have they got?  Nothing. I may have sworn a little during the waiting time, BUT THERE WAS NO FREAKING BIBLE.

In fact, it is really hard to hear what those agents are even saying, what with the loudspeaker yapping on about not letting anyone near your bags and the woman in front of you screaming something about your 8 carts with the 8 bags being on her toe, and the people behind you with the 6 kids climbing all over everyone else and whining about wanting the $389.00 Winnie the Pooh Pencil they saw in the gift shop, that they have to have. (Just one of the kids I mean - each of the other ones had their own gripe with the unfairness of the world - "need to go to the bathroom,"  "wifi is not connecting," "their iTunes account needs more money,"  "they hate their brother," etc.)

SO, I was asked, I answered to what I think I heard, they took our suitcases and we moved to the "come with me to the little room" portion of the plane ride.  We got through all of that with our clothes sorted and reapplied and then I started thinking.  I was standing in that line again, trying to deconstruct the scene, pulling out the words that were spoken, trying to arrange them into sentences - questions asked by the agent.  It was hard pulling them free of all the rest of the insanity - like the woman screaming about her not getting the seat she had chosen online and how she had to have extra leg room or she might die.  I took a poll and 98% voted for her right to die.  What did our agent actually ask me?   I suddenly realized she wanted to know whether or not we had any aerosol  cans or any spray bottles without lids.  And my hubby answered "no," but I panicked.  I couldn't remember if my new hair spray stuff was spray or aerosol or whether I put lids on ANYTHING spray, and I  started to panic. 

I whispered my concerns to my hubby.

He dismissed them. ( to be fair that wave of the hand and the rolling eyes may have been more directed at me as a human being than at my question but it WAS dismissive )

I asked him about the chances of hairspray exploding in my suitcase when we were up in the air and if then I would be considered as a "you know" and having "you know" a "you know."  I wink winked and nudge nudged because I know you are NEVER supposed to say any of THOSE words in an airport because they have 50 million people sitting somewhere at the airport, each one assigned to a person in the airport, listening to every word we say and just waiting to hit the button that releases the door and sends the swat teams, the dogs, and the tank racing to take me down.  The airport would have to be evacuated and everyone would hate me forever.

OR would my suitcase go off on the plane and my kids would see me being taken off the plane, and I would disappear and no-one would ever know what happened to me because they can hold me and torture me for years without having to give an explanation to anyone because I would be a "you know."

Would they call my name out over the loud speaker and ask me to identify myself to the desk?  Would there be armed guards waiting for me?  Should I run?  Could I run?  I started calculating how long it had been since I had even tried to run.

OR, what if the hair spray exploded in my suitcase, what would happen to all my clothes?  What would I do?

My hubby admitted that there was a possibility all my clothes could get ruined and shrugged.  I started to think about being away for that long and how I would absolutely have to buy a completely new wardrobe. A. WHOLE. COMPLETELY. NEW. WARDROBE!!  Days of shopping, maybe weeks ....

See, it is absolutely true … Julie Andrews, the singing kids trained like circus seals, nuns, rainstorm, raindrops on roses !!   You simply remember your favourite things, and then you don't feeeeeeeeel, so bad.

MESH BODY:  Maitreya  Mesh Body - Lara
MESH HEAD:  : fiore :. Precious Mesh Head (2.1)
MESH HEAD SKIN APPLIER.: fiore :. Mesh Head SPF20 Skin Base
EYEBROWS:  .Birdy. Devon Brows Straight
EYES:  Egozy.Eyes (Green)
EARRINGS:  *R+a* petit heart Earring
RINGS:  Kibitz - Milan ring set - onyx
HAIR:  .LeLutka.A-NV-0003
BOOTS:  ::ROC:: Bohemia Tassel Boot_
PANTS:  Addams // Grecia Suit Pants
TOP:  Addams // Skyler Long Sleeves
PURSE:  Le Poppycock-Market Tote-Jardin
POSES: PoseSion
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